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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Today many people work until a later age.Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

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Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 the most controversial issue is
the work
Replace the word
working
 until
a
Correct article usage
an
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 old
age
Use synonyms
.In my opinion
Add a comma
,
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it has far greater potential
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 the drawback. Longer working lives can bring important benefits for both individuals and society. For older workers,
stay
Wrong verb form
staying
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 in employment helps them stay active physically and mentally. Earning at
older
Correct article usage
an older
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age
Use synonyms
 makes them independent financially, and it reduces reliance on family members and government support .
In
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addition
Add a comma
addition,
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 the knowledge and experience they have gained in
may
Use the right word
many
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 years can be shared with younger colleagues, supporting teamwork and continuity in
workplace
Correct article usage
the workplace
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. These advantages are more in those countries where
birth
Correct article usage
the birth
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 rate is falling. In Japan ,
for example
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 the significant proportion of employers are over 65, and their continued participation helps
in
Change preposition
the
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 economy and productivity. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 hand, working until an older
age
Use synonyms
 may have some drawbacks .
Firstly
Linking Words
 , in Older
Use synonyms
age
Punctuation problem
age,
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 one may have some health issues
because
Correct word choice
, and because
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 of
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this
Punctuation problem
this,
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 they become
short tempered
Correct your spelling
short-tempered
. Some elderly workers can
physical
Verb problem
experience physical
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 and mental exhaustion , especially in demanding
job
Check wording
jobs
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such
Linking Words
 as construction or healthcare . As in old
age
Use synonyms
 , energy levels and health decline .
Full time
Correct your spelling
Full-time
 work may be difficult for them .
Secondly
Linking Words
 ,delayed retirement may reduce employment opportunities in younger generations.
For instance
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 , if older people remain in senior
position
Check wording
positions
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 for many years , younger workers may struggle to gain promotions or valuable experience .
This
Linking Words
 can increase frustration and unemployment in younger generations. In conclusion , there are
number
Correct article usage
a number
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 of merits and demerits .
Although
Linking Words
 working in older
age
Use synonyms
 can
leads
Wrong verb form
lead
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 to health problems and fewer opportunities for younger people , I believe the advantages
are outweighed
Wrong verb form
outweigh
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 the disadvantages.The experience of senior people is undeniable , which
impact positive
Correct word order
has a positive impact
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 on
younger
Correct article usage
the younger
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 society
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 their work
bring
Correct subject-verb agreement
brings
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 considerable benefits to both society and
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
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.

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task response
Give a more clear answer in the first line. Say directly that the good points are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Explain each main idea more. Some ideas are good, but they need one more line of support.
task response
Use examples in a more clear way. The Japan example is helpful, but it needs a clearer link to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more clear at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. A few lines are hard to follow because the ideas do not connect smoothly.
task response
You answered both sides and gave your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You used one real example, which helps your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas are mostly easy to see.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • experience
  • skills
  • benefit
  • employers
  • colleagues
  • active
  • healthy
  • physically
  • mentally
  • social
  • connections
  • relationships
  • stress
  • fatigue
  • financial
  • reasons
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