IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

: Pie charts below show the average household expenditures in Japan and Malaysia in the year 2010

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The pie charts illustrate the average amount of money allocated to five specific sectors of
Use synonyms
household
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households
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 in
Japan
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 and
Malaysia
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 in 2010. It is clearly seen that
Japan
Use synonyms
 is superior in transport and other
goods
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 and
services
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,
Linking Words
while
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While
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Malaysia
Use synonyms
 prevails in health care and food.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Japan
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 was specialised in other
goods
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 and
services
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,
while
Linking Words
 health care was the most substantial
household
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in
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expenditure in
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Malaysia
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.Looking at the data concerning average
household
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 expenses in
Japan
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 in detail, other
goods
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 and
services
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 lead the category at 29%, followed by food, which stood at 24%.Relatively
a
Punctuation problem
, a
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small proportion of outlay was used for housing and transportation purposes, which constituted 20% and 21% , respectively,
whereas
Linking Words
 healthcare made up only a small share and accounted for 6%.
Conversely
Linking Words
, when examining  the figures regarding 
household
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 costs in
Malaysia
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, housing  tops the category with 34%, followed by food
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 comprised 27%. Other
goods
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 and
services
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 and transport were comparatively less significant categories,which amounted to 26% and 10%,
accordingly
Linking Words
 .
However
Linking Words
, health care was the expenditure, which required  the least sum of money and formed just 3%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the third paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the eighth paragraph.
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Basic structure: Change the ninth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words household, japan, malaysia, goods, services with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the eighth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the ninth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the tenth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • household expenditures
  • proportion
  • cultural differences
  • economic differences
  • living standards
  • real estate market
  • public transportation
  • private transportation
  • infrastructure
  • government healthcare policies
  • quality of life
  • holistic view
  • inflation
  • economic growth
  • societal norms
  • globalization
  • communication expenses
  • education expenses
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