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Writing Samples
Band 6

The use of electronic has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that electronic
devices
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 have become a major tool for connecting with
people
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.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that using
electonic
Correct your spelling
electronic
devices
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 has major drawbacks in creating bonds with society, I firmly agree that the lack of of in person interaction in a relationship creates undeniable problems for human life.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that the increasing number of
devices
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 for human communication provides an easier way to connect, yet they build
a
Correct article usage
apply
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invisible barriers between
people
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 in which they cannot understand their real reaction to a topic they want to discuss.
This
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 is
beacuse
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because
devices
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 cannot generate a safe place where
people
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 make eye contact with each other
while
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 they are talking,
whereas
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 they create online platforms where they can follow their overused emojis to express their feelings.
For instance
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, recent studies show that in large cities, young adults prefer to stay connected through social media rather than meeting in person
and
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, and
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 they cannot create deep bonds with their friends.
Therefore
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, mental health problems have sharply increased, which clearly demonstrates that the absence of real in-person interaction has a devastating impact on human life.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that the increasing demand for
devices
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 to communicate with
people
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 leads to major concerns about cybersecurity, which is the practice of protecting sensitive information and systems from digital threats.
As a result
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, when
people
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 receive a call from strangers, they struggle to trust the caller. To illustrate, in the U.S., the crime rates have reached an all-time high and a significant number of
people
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 suffer from a loss of trust in digital communication.
This
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 clearly demonstrates that the increasing reliance on electronic
devices
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 not only endangers personal security but
also
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 destroys the foundation of genuine human interaction. In conclusion,
although
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 many feel that electronic
devices
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 have a key role in ensuring a sustainable solution for our lives, I firmly maintain that the lack of real bonds with the public creates a difficult time for individuals' mental health, and they cannot build a safe environment where they feel truly connected.

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coherence cohesion
Make your main idea more direct in each body part. Some lines are too long and hard to follow.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some ideas connect well, but some jumps feel sudden.
task achievement
Give one clear example and explain it more. This will make your support stronger.
task achievement
Stay closer to the question. The part about cyber safety is less direct than your first main point.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear opening, two body parts, and a clear ending.
task achievement
You answer the question and show your opinion from the start.
task achievement
Your first main point is clear and mostly well explained.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • electronic devices
  • personal relationships
  • communication
  • social skills
  • face-to-face interaction
  • isolation
  • emotional connection
  • maintain friendships
  • screen time
  • technology addiction
  • social media
  • virtual communication
  • benefits
  • drawbacks
  • interpersonal skills
  • disconnect
  • digital world
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