IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People from different backgrounds try to change their look by changing the colour of their hair using costemics, wearing jewellery or even having a plastic surgery done. Why do you think people do it? Do you think changing a look is a good thing?

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People
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 from various countries have started to
change
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 their personalities in different ways.
This
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 happening is basically linked with two factors , and I think changing looks can foster motivation in
people
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's lives , but these changes should not harm their mental health. One of the major reasons why
people
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change
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 their personality is mainly to enhance their self-esteem.
People
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 from diverse cultures are often interested in improving their quality of
appearance
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 by modifying their hair colour, wearing attractive jewellery and undergoing medical procedures. By accomplishing these approaches, they feel satisfied, confident and motivated.
This
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 results in affecting their lives positively as they achieve what their interest is required for. Fashion trends, social media, and advertisements;
however
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,
also
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 influence different communities of
people
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 to stay attractive by wearing stylish jewellery, changing their hair colours and performing surgical operations. There is an increased number of influencers, celebrities and professionals who post meaningful content for their followers to
change
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 their personalities.
This
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 may not only improve
people
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's
appearance
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, but
also
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 contribute to increasing their knowledge about fashion trends. In my opinion,
this
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 development affects
people
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's inner satisfaction positively as they have achieved their interests and
also
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 developed their understanding.
However
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, sometimes,
people
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 spend a huge amount of money to
change
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 their look, which puts them under financial pressure and unnecessary stress. These changes are beneficial until they do not cause any serious consequences ,
such
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 as medical issues. In conclusion,
although
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 transforming the
appearance
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 brings benefits in life, the drawbacks of using strong cosmetics and buying expensive accessories can lead to stress.
Therefore
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,
people
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 should approach these techniques to improve their
appearance
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 , but they should be careful about their consequences.

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task response
Answer both questions more directly. Say clearly why people change how they look, and say clearly if you think it is good or not.
task response
Use the same idea all through the essay. You often say 'personality', but the topic is about 'look' or 'appearance'.
task response
Add one or two real and clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to believe.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph have one main idea only. This will make your writing easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some words like 'however' and 'therefore' are used, but a few sentences still feel not fully connected.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word order and punctuation problems, because they sometimes break the flow of your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a logical order: reasons first, then your opinion, then the ending.
task response
You answer the topic and give more than one reason for change in look.
task response
You show a balanced view by talking about both good and bad sides.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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