Many people believe money is a very important factor for achieving hapiness. Others, however believe that money has nothing to do with hapiness. Discuss both views.

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There is a big controversy regarding whether
money
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is a vital factor for happiness. Some opine it is unrelated,
while
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others disagree.
This
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essay will evaluate both viewpoints, followed by my personal opinion. On one hand of the argument,
money
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is a major element.
This
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can be characterised in two ways. The first is materialistic bliss, which means individuals get satisfaction from objects and items. There has been an increasing trend for individuals to go on shopping sprees as a distraction and coping mechanism for their problems. To illustrate, research by psychologists in Thailand shows that a large proportion of
people
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spend a lot on unnecessary objects when they are under stress. Another reason is fulfilling desires, and
this
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is impossible to achieve without finances.
Thus
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,
money
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is a vital element for elation and contentment. For example, statistics show that the majority of teenagers, whether rich or poor, own a mobile phone, be it first-hand or second-hand. For some, simply having a mobile phone is a luxury which their parents may struggle to afford, but without it, the teenager cannot survive.
This
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proves that life without finance is an unhappy life!
On the other hand
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, others believe it is unrelated to the emotion of joy.
This
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portrays a mindset that
,
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apply
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jubilation is intangible and comes from within an individual.
Thus
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, humans find joy in spending quality time with their family after dinner, watching movies and playing board games.
For instance
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, in Bhutan,
people
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give more importance to family time , and bliss is not measured based on how much you own; in fact, their happiness index is extremely high compared to other countries , despite the fact that the majority of the
people
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are not rich. For them, jubilation is contentment.
Moreover
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, another perspective is a religious or cultural sense. Some find joy in assisting their surrounding ones,
while
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others are happy knowing they have done good deeds by helping members of their community and society through charity or donation. For them, sharing is caring , and
that is
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the most joyous moment. In Sikhism, whenever a Sikh goes to the temple, he bows in front of the holy book and makes a small contribution, be it 10 baht or even 100 baht. That
money
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is
then
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used in the free kitchen called "langar" which is distributed to all, regardless of gender, caste or religion. Participating in
this
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gives several Sikhs contentment, so
money
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is insignificant.
To conclude
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, in my opinion, finance is a very important aspect.
This
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is because it is the core consideration that permits one to survive. Not only does it enable the community to donate and hold charity events for a better cause , but it
also
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allows
people
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to acquire their desired materials.
Although
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it may not be the only factor, it plays a significant role.

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task response
Make your main idea more clear in each body part.
task response
Give one clear reason, then explain it in a simple way.
task response
Some examples are good, but a few do not fully prove the point.
task response
Use fewer hard words when a simple word is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly between some sentences.
coherence and cohesion
A few parts repeat the same idea about money and happiness.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
task response
You used real examples to support ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well organized into clear paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and clear.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • diminishing returns
  • materialism
  • personal growth
  • mindset
  • self-worth
  • social status
  • philanthropy
  • well-being
  • experiences
  • generosity
  • fulfilling
  • reduces stress
  • escalate
  • acquiring wealth
  • sense of security
  • comparative wealth
  • excessive focus
  • leisure activities
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