IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

People sleep less tha they used in tne past. What do you think is the reason behind this? What are the effects on them

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It is argued that, compared to the past, our generation sleeps less. I agree with the statement.
This
Linking Words
 is because we work longer
hours
Use synonyms
, which leads to fatigue. With all the changes in the economy and commerce, we have found safety in financial stability, and sleep has become a luxury. It is undeniable that we are consumed with work. Yes, we want that money. It covers the essentials
:
Punctuation problem
:
show examples
 food, water, shelter, electricity, clothes, transport, and mortgage. We hustle and have embraced the meme that if we work harder, we get compensated better. From a woman juggling motherhood and entrepreneurship, a student working extra
hours
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 after class for an allowance, a nurse picking double shifts, working 16
instead
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 of 8
hours
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. We see how the mundane world operates. You want it?
Then
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 get it.
This
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 pattern has unfortunate consequences. Working harder is paralleled by assuming more workload, longer working
hours
Use synonyms
,chronic fatigue, and, at most, burnout. We have sacrificed rest and sleep so much that the normal body recovery is compromised. As the saying goes, wear and tear. It is basic knowledge that the body is made of cells , where regular cell regeneration and degeneration happen.
While
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 continuous motion subjects the body to cell degeneration, the sustainability of life necessitates cell regeneration.
Although
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 the new generation has succumbed to working more and sleeping less. It is always a good idea to be reminded that part of the
physiologic
Replace the word
physiological
 need is sleep. Any living organism, when pushed to the brink, will crumble. A work-life balance is not an option but a priority.

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task response
Answer both parts more evenly. You explain the reason well, but the effects part is shorter and needs more clear points.
task response
Use more direct examples for the effects, like poor focus at work, stress, and health problems.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each main idea in one clear paragraph. This will make your answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'because', 'so', 'also', and 'as a result' to show clear steps in your thinking.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very short lines like 'Yes, we want that money.' because they break the flow.
task response
You clearly give one main reason for less sleep: longer work hours.
task response
You include some real-life examples, like mothers, students, and nurses.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas usually move in a natural order from cause to effect.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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