IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that bringing people of different ages and cultures together can be done effectively through music. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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It is widely acknowledged that
music
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 plays a significant role in creating and improving bonds between different types of
people
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.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that musical taste would discriminate
people
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, I firmly agree that
music
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 is a universal language and it has a big impact on strengthening the bonds between generations.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that
music
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 is a vital tool that preserves a cultural heritage for any
society
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 in a rapidly evolving world.
This
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 is because artists use a wide range of cultural instruments to produce
music
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 from country, encouraging
people
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 to develop a shared musical identity within their
society
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.
For instance
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, every country has its own special instrument,
such
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 as the American banjo and the Turkish saz.
Therefore
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, as many artists produce
music
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 with those kinds of instruments, it maintains a sustainable solution for preserving culture.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that
music
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 addresses
people
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 from different backgrounds. Since
music
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 has a global and transcendent melody and lyrics, it has bridged the generational gap for centuries. To illustrate, in the concerts,
people
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 of different ages sing a song together.
Therefore
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, it has a unifying effect on
people
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's lives. In conclusion,
while
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 others believe that different
music
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 preferences have a harmful impact on
society
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, I firmly maintain that having a cultural
music
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 taste is significant for any
society
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 to preserve its culture , and it can serve as a unifying tool that brings
people
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 together through a shared enthusiasm.

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task response
Answer the full question more directly. Say clearly how far you agree, and keep this clear in all body parts.
task response
Add one more clear example to show how music joins people from different cultures, not only different ages.
task response
Explain your ideas a bit more. Some points are good, but they need deeper support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some parts join well, but a few lines feel a little sudden.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph focus on one main idea and develop it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection inside paragraphs. A few ideas are not fully tied to the main point.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall shape with introduction, body, and conclusion.
task response
You use examples like the banjo and the saz to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The second body paragraph stays mostly on one main idea: music can join people.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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