IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Advertisements of snacks and toys have a great impact on children and their parents. So, the advertisements to children should be banned. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is believed that advertisements must be banned because promotions of snacks and toys have a great impact on
kids
Use synonyms
 and their
parents
Use synonyms
. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement,
due to
Linking Words
 the reasons that promotion of
profucts
Correct your spelling
products
 may have
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact on
kids
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as developing consumerism and dependency on
sugar
Use synonyms
, but to controversy responsibility should be on
parents
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 because they have to control what their child watches daily.
To begin
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 with, there are myriad reasons why unhealthy advertisements should be banned. Snacks, drinks that are full of
sugar
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 and eye-catching colors attracts
kids
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 and
parents
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 aware of its contain. Since
sugar
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 is addictive and
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 body is not ready to accept and digest large
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 of
sugar
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, it may negatively affect
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their development and health.
Besides
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 that,
kids
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 do not use toys properly. After one
usage
Punctuation problem
usage,
show examples
 they usually get bored and stop playing with them
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 in
short
Correct article usage
a short
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 amount of
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 they will
be ended
Wrong verb form
end up
show examples
 with
pyramide
Correct your spelling
a pyramid
 of plastics, which is detrimental to enviroment and shapes the idea in their young mind that
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 is acceptable to own a lot of items.
For example
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,
according to
Linking Words
 research in 2010 by
psycologists
Correct your spelling
psychologists
,
kids
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 who
collected
Wrong verb form
collect
show examples
 toys and
used
Wrong verb form
use
show examples
 them not often are more likely to have pluskin syndrome.
Therefore
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, it is important for
marketing
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the marketing
show examples
 team not only
aim
Verb problem
to aim
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money
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for money
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, but
also
Linking Words
care
Verb problem
to care
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 about the
enviroment
Correct your spelling
environment
, so
this
Linking Words
 can prevent pollution and teach children to value the existing items without making financial burden
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their
parents
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.
Although
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,
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apply
show examples
 in capital world it is not accessable make restictions to big corporations
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 for that reason
parents
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 have to control what their kid will watch. There are many ways to accomplish it,
for
Linking Words
instance
Add a comma
instance,
show examples
 installing parent mode, apps
sole
Replace the word
solely
 for
kids
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 and buy premium
to
Check wording
subscription to
show examples
customize
Change the spelling
customise
show examples
 preferences. It is not only
be
Correct determiner usage
a
show examples
 guarantee for
parents
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 to restrict unwanted consumption of information , but
also
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 will
safe
Verb problem
be safe
show examples
 from
pedofiles
Correct your spelling
paedophiles
.
For example
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,
according to
Linking Words
 France police investigation in 2016,
kids
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 who are not controlled on the internet by their
parents
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 are more likely to be
victim
Fix the agreement mistake
victims
show examples
 of pedofiles for 56%.
Consequently
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,
instead
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 of putting responsibility on goverment or marketing companies, it is important to take responsibility to own hands. In
conclustion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, advertisements are created to sell
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 if it works
the
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, the
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 final
desicion
Correct your spelling
decision
 will be made by
parents
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, will they buy the product or not.
Instead
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 of making one extreme to another
extreme
Punctuation problem
extreme,
show examples
 it is important for
marketing
Correct article usage
the marketing
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 team
advertise
Verb problem
to advertise
show examples
 healthy and developing products
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
parents
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additionally
Linking Words
 need to control their child's source of information.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say you partly agree, but some parts sound too strong on one side.
task response
Answer the full question in each body paragraph. Link your ideas back to banning ads for children.
task response
Use examples that sound real and fit the topic closely. Some examples here are unclear or hard to trust.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, such as first, also, however, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order. Some sentences are hard to follow because the idea changes too fast.
coherence and cohesion
You give a clear introduction and a clear ending.
task response
You try to discuss both sides, which helps you answer the question.
task response
You include examples to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • impressionable
  • pester
  • tactical advertising strategies
  • financial strain
  • consumerism
  • materialistic attitudes
  • commercial free speech
  • innovative products
  • consumer exposure
  • informed choices
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