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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Childhood obesity is becoming a serious problem in many countries. What are the main causes and solutions of this?

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In the contemporary world, many adolescents have become a serious concern in many different countries.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss the main causes of these problems and suggest possible solutions to address them. Obesity is caused by a combination of factors. One of the main reasons is the highest level of junk food consumption in existence these days. The current ways of sedentary lifestyle,
as well as
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 youngsters
spend
Wrong verb form
spending
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 their
time
Use synonyms
 watching television, playing video games and using the internet,
resulting
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 in lower levels of physical activity.
Children
Use synonyms
 commute to school by various means of transportation as opposed to walking on foot.
Moreover
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, eating fast foods are cheap and easy to buy everywhere, adults tend to eat them more than healthy products,
as a result
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, they become in a accumulation of toxic fat.
For example
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,
Time
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 Magazine reported that 70% of childhood obesity is
made
Verb problem
caused
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 by
kid’s
Check wording
kids’
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 food choices.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should be more involved in the meal consumption of their
children
Use synonyms
. They can do to enhance a timetable around a balanced diet. The accessibility of the internet has influenced different ways for individuals, kids become used to
utilizing with
Change the spelling
utilising
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 essential electronic gadgets like video games, watching cartoons and social media.
Thus
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,
children
Use synonyms
 should take regular exercise and
outdoors
Correct word choice
outdoor
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 activities that could help them with stretching their muscles and
burning
Wrong verb form
burn
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 calories to be
a
Change preposition
in
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 good shape.
For instance
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, South Africa shows that the level of physical exercise has reduced from 65% to 21% since the invention of easy to use the internet. It is imperative that
parents
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should
Verb problem
apply
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limit their screen
time
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 and encourage them to participate
with
Change preposition
in
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 physical activities. In
conclude
Replace the word
conclusion
, the problem of obesity in
children
Use synonyms
 is caused by
parents
Use synonyms
 who always have the behavior of their
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
children's behaviour
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, rather than focusing on what they need for healthy living.
Parents
Use synonyms
 would need to give their youngsters a
motivated
Replace the word
motivational
 speech towards exercise.
This
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 can be achieved
to cut
Change preposition
by cutting
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 down on the
time
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 the
children
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spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 with electronic devices.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give causes and fixes, but some ideas are not fully clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main ideas easy to follow. Put one clear cause or one clear solution in each part.
task response
Use examples that clearly fit your point. Some examples feel weak or not fully explained.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simple way. Some sentences jump too fast from one idea to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Write a clearer end. Your last part should sum up the causes and solutions in a direct way.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction, body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
You use some examples to support your ideas.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Dietary habits
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Processed foods
  • Socioeconomic status
  • Nutritional education
  • Obesity epidemic
  • Preventative measures
  • Health policies
  • Urban planning
  • Caloric intake
  • Metabolic health
  • Screen time
  • Physical activity
  • Junk food
  • Food desert
  • Body mass index (BMI)
  • Portion control
  • Mindful eating
  • Lifestyle diseases
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