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Writing Samples
Band 5

The use of corporal punishment (physically hitting students) in schools is in decline, yet it should be used to improve behavior. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer, and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In recent years, the use of corporal
punishment
Use synonyms
 (physically hitting
students
Use synonyms
) in schools has been declining
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
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, some groups of
people
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 argue that it should be used to enhance
behaviour
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. I strongly disagree that teacher used to educate their
students
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 like that as well. In
this
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 essay, reasons and examples based on my experience will be given in detail. The main issue of social
anxiety
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 in teenagers comes from corporal
punishment
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 by teachers from their childhood;
this
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 trauma may lead to social
anxiety
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 in teenagers with a sensitive personality because these types of
people
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 are emotionally sensitive in their brains.
For example
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, in Thailand around 30 years ago, these were the most popular ways to help
students
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 who had bad
behaviour
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and
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, and
show examples
 when they grew up mostly have a angry-personality.
However
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, in the current year have many ways to improve
students
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'
behaviour
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 without physically hitting them
Check wording
apply
show examples
students
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. A clear example of
this
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 is when I was young, the society in that time is not freedom to speak about eqaulity so I got experience about bad memories and truma from my childhood in school that teacher was hit me
due to
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 I am LGBTQAI+ and its lead to social
anxiety
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 in my teenager life, to illustrate, when I going to supermarkets and I were facing to a large among of
people
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 my panic attack always started and its lead to
anxiety
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 and sadness that I currently facing. In conclusion, the use of corporal
punishment
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 in schools is in climb down in
this
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 current year
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
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, some
population
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
still argue to use
this
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 method to enhance childern behavior. But I disagree with these
people
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 , and I strongly disagree that physical
punishment
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 should be normalised in modern society. physically hitting admission in
this
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 current society, they still have way too many options to encourage
students
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'
behaviour
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.

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task response
Make your main idea more clear in each body part. Start each part with one simple point, then explain it.
task response
Answer the question more fully. You say you disagree, but you should also explain why some people support it and why you still do not agree.
task response
Use examples in a more direct way. Your personal story is strong, but link it more clearly to the main question about school behavior.
coherence and cohesion
Put ideas in a clearer order. Some lines are hard to follow because too many ideas are joined in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like First, Also, For example, As a result, and In conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. At times, the jump between ideas is too fast.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start: you strongly disagree.
task response
You use a real personal example, and this makes your essay feel honest and meaningful.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words like however, for example, and in conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • short-term compliance
  • long-term behavioral improvements
  • emotional damage
  • positive reinforcement
  • restorative justice
  • negative consequences
  • children's rights
  • psychological impacts
  • contemporary educational philosophies
  • non-violent disciplinary methods
  • safer and more positive school environment
  • engage better
  • outdated viewpoint
  • holistic development
  • well-being of students
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