IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

These days. too many people maintain their health by relying on doctors and medicine. rather than by following a healthy lifestyle. To what extent do you agree with this statement? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Nowadays, many
people
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 rely on doctors and medicine to maintain their
health
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 rather than adopting a healthy lifestyle. I agree with
this
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 view because
this
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 tendency can be commonly observed in modern society. As medical science continues to develop, effective treatments have become available for a wide range of diseases.
As a result
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,
people
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 are no longer as threatened by illnesses as they were in the past. Many
individuals
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individuals,
show examples
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therefore
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therefore,
show examples
 believe that they can simply receive medical
treatment
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 whenever
health
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 problems arise.
Consequently
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, prevention is often considered less important than
treatment
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.
In addition
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 to
this
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, another key reason is that maintaining a healthy lifestyle requires strong willpower and long-term commitment.
People
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 need to control their diet and exercise regularly, which many find difficult to sustain in their daily lives.
As a result
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, they are more likely to choose medical
treatment
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 as a more convenient and immediate solution when
health
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 issues occur. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in one of my friends, who did not eat meals regularly for several years despite being aware of the
health
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 risks. Eventually, he developed serious digestive problems and had to undergo surgery to remove his gallbladder.
Instead
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 of preventing the problem through healthier habits, he relied on medical
treatment
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 only after his condition had worsened.
Similarly
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, many
people
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 in Korea fail to get enough sleep and, rather than improving their sleeping habits, depend on
health
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 supplements
such
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 as ginseng to offset the effects of sleep deprivation.
Overall
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, I believe that many
people
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 today prefer to rely on the medical system to maintain their
health
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, as seeking
treatment
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 is often easier than sustaining long-term healthy habits
such
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 as regular exercise and a balanced diet.

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task response
Make your main view stronger in the first part. You say you agree, but you can say to what extent more clearly.
task response
Add one more idea about why people choose medicine, such as busy work life or fast food habits.
task response
Explain the link between each example and your main point in a more direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer topic sentence at the start of each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are a bit repeated, like treatment being easier. Try to add new support in each part.
coherence and cohesion
You can use linking words with more care, so the flow feels even smoother.
task response
You answer the question well and keep the whole essay on the same topic.
task response
Your examples are clear and fit your main idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas move in a logical order, so the reader can follow easily.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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