IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

(XADA) Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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There is no denying
fact
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the fact
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 that nowadays
childrens
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children
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 tend to spend a significant amount of time on their smartphones.
While
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 it is commonly held belief that it is
due to
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 the technology growth in the current
generation
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generation,
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 others
arrgue
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argue
 that it is a negative
development
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.
This
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 essay will
analyze
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analyse
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 the case from both
point
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points
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 of
views
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view
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 and express why I believe that it affected
children
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 negatively. On one
hand
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hand,
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 the technological
development
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 has improved the quality of life
specially
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, especially
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 after the pandemic. Mostly, everything needed to be online during that period.
For instance
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,
children
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 started taking classes online
which
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, which
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as a result
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 increased the amount of hours they use their devices.
On the other hand
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, the increase
of using the smartphones
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in smartphone use
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 clearly had a noticeable negative impact on their interactions with other
children
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 and their families. In
addision
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addition
, they are relying on
the
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apply
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devices
on
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in
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 every aspect of their life
instead
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 of using the common practices that
children
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 used in the past decades.
For example
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, they use their phones for playing games, watching videos,
communicating
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and communicating
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 with friends through various apps. In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
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but
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, but
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 I believe that the negative
development
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 was higher than the positive
development
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 of
this
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 technology
due to
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 various reasons. Mainly, because
children
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 are not able to experience the joy and beauty of life without having a device to rely on and their addiction
on
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to
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 spending more time on it than playing in playgrounds or playing with normal board games.

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task response
Answer both questions more fully. You explain why children use phones, but your view on positive or negative needs more clear support.
task response
Give one or two more clear ideas about why this is negative, such as health, sleep, study, or real-life social skills.
task response
Use more specific examples. Your online class example is good, but the second body paragraph needs a stronger real example too.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph follow one clear main idea. This will help the essay feel easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'as a result'. Some sentences now feel too long.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence connection and grammar, because small mistakes make some ideas less clear.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use one relevant example about online classes during the pandemic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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