IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Using a computer every day can have more negative than postive effects on young children. Do you agree or disagree?

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Spending excessive time on computers by kids
,
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apply
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has
spark
Wrong verb form
sparked
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 a debate in recent times weather it is a productive or destructive
habbit
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habit
.I believe that
incresed
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increased
 screentime is
unhealthy
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an unhealthy
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 practice for young
childrens
Replace the word
children
 and it has to be controlled by their
guardiens
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guardians
. First and foremost,computers are
marvel
Correct article usage
a marvel
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 of
moderns
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modern
 science
they
Punctuation problem
; they
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 are facilitating mankind at
optimum
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an optimum
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 level.
Desktop
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Desktops
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 or laptops are
integral
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an integral
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 part of all age
group's
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groups'
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 professional or personal time ,pupils are no
excepation
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exception
.Kids are often spending considerable time on their screens
usually
Punctuation problem
, usually
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 for
entertaiment
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entertainment
 purposes
such
Linking Words
 as playing online games,watching cartoons and movies.
Primarily
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Primarily,
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 it
effects
Use the right word
affects
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 their
eyesite
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eyesight
,
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;
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 multiple studies have
showen
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shown
 that
use
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the use
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 of vision glasses has increased drastically in pupils
, it
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. It
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 is a problem that they have to deals for
rest
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the rest
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 of their
life
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lives
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. Another pertinent reason
,
Verb problem
is
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 that
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 am looking
it
Change preposition
at it
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 as a negative development
that
Correct word choice
apply
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,
at
Correct word choice
that at
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young
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a young
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age
Add a comma
age,
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 human brains are going through
growth
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a growth
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 phase both physically and psychologically.
Childrens
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Children
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 are often
over burdening
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overburdening
 their brains with soft
skills related
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skills-related
 issues, which reflect in
acadamic
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academic
 and athletic endeavours. Graph of
acadamic
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academic
 grades has seen siginificant dip, playgrounds are not as
crowdy
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crowded
 as they
use
Wrong verb form
used
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 to be. It
also
Linking Words
 contributes to sedentary lifestyles,
while
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 psychological and social drawbacks include disrupted sleep, technology addiction, and social isolation. In conclusion,there is no
denial of
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denying the
 fact that modern desktop or handheld devices are playing a vital role for
childerns
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children
.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 its drawbacks are immense,which are significantly visible in our
off spring
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offspring
.
Guardins
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Guardians
 are
suppose
Wrong verb form
supposed
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 to be more
vigilent
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vigilant
 and practical at
sametime
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the same time
 to roduce to use of online devices.

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task response
Give a more clear answer at the start. Say clearly that you agree or disagree, and keep this same view all through the essay.
task response
Add one or two simple and real examples to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Explain your main ideas more. Some points are good, but they need one more line to show how or why they are true.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, for example, because, and as a result. Do not overuse them.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph flow. Some sentences are hard to follow because the grammar and word form make the meaning less clear.
task response
You answer the question and your opinion is clear in most parts of the essay.
task response
You include more than one reason for your view, such as eye problems, weak study results, and less exercise.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic shape with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You group similar ideas together in the same paragraph, which helps the essay stay organized.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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