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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that the best wat to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, believe there are better alternative wats or reducing crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Criminal activities eventually bring problems , not success. A highly controversial issue is discussed , that the government should take strict action against juvenile offenders to reduce the rapidly increasing
crime
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 activities ,
while
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 others believe there are many ways to control the rising
crime
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 rate
instead
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 of giving harsh punishment. I firmly support
this
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 notion. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss both perspectives and present my own opinion.
To begin
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 with, some argue that long prison terms can reduce the rate of
crime
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 because it creates fear of strict action. When
people
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 realise that if they do anything against the law, they will be punished for many years, they may stop themselves and think before acting badly.
For instance
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,
this
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 idea is strong for serious
crimes
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such
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 as murder, rape and armed robbery.If
people
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 know that there will be no strictness against any violation,
then
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people
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 keep doing offensive activities, which badly effects on young generation.
On the other hand
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, some
people
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 believes that only prison for the long time may not fix
this
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 problem. Many
people
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 commit
crimes
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 because of poverty, lack of education, bad family relations or unemployment. The government should announce rehabilitation and preventive measures for young adults. Another way could be to raise public awareness against
crime
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 and educate offenders in jail. The government should keep checking on juvenile and if there is any positivity in their behaviour, they should be given a chance to get employment and support their families.
For example
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, Juvenile delinquency is increasing because some teenagers are influenced by bad company and social media.
To conclude
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, it is true that there are various ways to control
crime
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, and longer prison sentences are not a solution. Some
crimes
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 are serious , and some are small. A balanced system is best. Strict action should be taken against those who are violent offenders or serious and habitual criminals, but for small and first-time
crimes
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, prevention and rehabilitation are more effective to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
 rate

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. You do this, but the first side is a bit short.
task response
Give your opinion in a clear way in the body too, not only in the intro and end.
task response
Use more clear examples. Your examples are general, not very specific.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like 'first', 'also', 'however', and 'as a result'.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and word form, because some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You discuss both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The paragraphing is clear, with one main section for each side.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • reduce crime = make crime lower
  • longer prison sentences = more years in jail
  • serious crime = very bad crime
  • violent offender = person who hurts others
  • deterrent = something that stops people from doing wrong
  • protect society = keep people safe
  • justice for victims = fair result for people who suffered
  • root causes = main reasons
  • poverty = being very poor
  • lack of education = not enough schooling
  • drug addiction = strong need for drugs
  • rehabilitation = helping a person change for the better
  • job training = learning work skills
  • mental health care = help for the mind
  • community service = unpaid work to help society
  • probation = a period of control outside prison
  • first-time offender = person who breaks the law for the first time
  • reoffend = commit crime again
  • long-term solution = answer that works for many years
  • balanced approach = using more than one fair method
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