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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Nowadays, a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicine and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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These days, relying on substitute medical services is commonly considered more beneficial than having scientific medical assistance.
While
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alternative
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medicine
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 offers several advantages, it
also
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 has certain critical points that individuals should take into account.
This
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 essay will put forward a view that , in some cases,
alternative
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medicine
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 could be a good approach,
such
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 as stress or sleep problems, but visiting a professional expert still remains essential to check one's
overall
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 health status.
To begin
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 with, a traditional
medicine
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 could be more effective compared with conventional
medicine
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 in a number of ways.
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that in traditional
medicine
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, most medications are prepared using natural herbs.
Furthermore
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, when one has slight pain or couldn't have adequate sleep, turning to herbal medications prepared by traditional healers is significantly therapeutic for one's organism rather than taking chemical pills. To illustrate, having had a digestive problem, my father had to visit a doctor
last
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 month. Surprisingly, the doctor recommended that my father drink special herbal tea prepared by the healer. That can prove that even scientists have admitted that
alternative
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 pharmaceuticals can sometimes substitute for chemicals.
On the other hand
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, traditional
medicine
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 might pose a serious threat to people's well-being, as it is often based on methods that do not have scientific evidence.
Moreover
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, healers do not have a medical qualification or certifications, which means they are probably not aware of the latest academic updates related to human fitness. Meanwhile, doctors and hospitals use tested medication, guaranteeing the safety of patients with major illnesses and injuries.
For instance
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, a week ago, my little
cousin
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 hurt his arm playing with his brother, and my sister took him to the local healer. The healer applied a massage as a treatment and said that my
cousin
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 would be fine within a week. Unfortunately, my
cousin
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 didn't stop crying. Eventually, my sister had to take him to the surgeon, and the surgeon said that my
cousin
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 had a small fracture in his wrist. Fortunately, it wasn't too late to visit the doctor.
Thus
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,
alternative
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 treatments are not able to confront serious injuries. In conclusion,
although
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alternative
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medicine
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 and treatments offer some advantages, it simultaneously creates a risk for health.
Therefore
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, I believe that
alternative
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medicine
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 might be fine as extra support, but it should not replace conventional medical care.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear in the first part. Say early that this is mostly a negative development.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear line of thought in each body part. Some ideas are good, but a few lines are a bit long and not fully clear.
task response
Explain more why alternative care is good only for small problems and bad for serious ones.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Some are good, but too many can make the flow less smooth.
task response
You answer both sides and give your opinion in the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
The examples about your father and cousin are clear and fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas follow in a logical order.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • alternative medicine
  • health problems
  • medical treatment
  • regular doctor
  • serious illness
  • safe and effective
  • scientific evidence
  • waste time and money
  • get worse
  • in time
  • tested medicine
  • major health problems
  • extra support
  • replace medical care
  • positive development
  • negative development
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