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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is now possible to shop, work and communicate with others without face to face contact via the internet. Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, there is a decline in face-to-face communication with other individuals to shop, work and interact.
Although
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this
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trend
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 has some positive effects , including convenience and ease of communication, I believe that,
overall
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, it is a negative development, leading to social isolation and health deterioration. There are some favourable aspects of interacting online.
First,
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advanced technologies
such
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 as phones, computers, and tablets make our lives easier. You can pay bills
,
Correct word choice
and
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 order groceries that you want , without leaving home. It is not only comfortable but
also
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 a time-saving change. Communicating with other
people
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 ,
such
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 as friends, family members, personnels in any time is another advantageous skill. Namely, technologies make it easy to keep in touch with
people
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. A clear example is when
people
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 live abroad or face problems with loneliness, communicating through gadgets great way to connect with each other.
However
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, it is an unfavourable
trend
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 on the whole. Social media includes a lack of warmth and can be seen as unrealistic.
This
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 is because face-to-face communication consists of body language
,
Correct word choice
and
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 tone of voice. When
people
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 communicate through social media, they do not know about each other's emotions. Spending their time online to shop,
work
Wrong verb form
working
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 is encouraged to
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
As a result
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, they become less active , which leads to challenges in their
overall
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 well-being.
For example
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, in the USA, working online
,
Correct word choice
and
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 ordering food is becoming common.
Consequently
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, 35% of the population suffered from obesity, heart issues and diabetes.
To sum up
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, working, shopping and communicating online is becoming a modern
trend
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 among individuals all over the world.
While
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 there are some advantageous aspects of
this
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trend
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, it leads to a lack of social contact and worsens well-being.

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task response
For task response: Your answer is clear, but you can explain your main idea more fully in each body paragraph.
task response
For task response: Add one more clear and real example to support your negative view.
task response
For task response: Some ideas are good, but a few parts are too general. Try to make them more specific.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Use linking words more carefully. Some sentences do not connect smoothly.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Develop each main point a little more so the reader can follow your logic more easily.
task response
For task response: You answer both sides and give your opinion clearly.
task response
For task response: Your main negative reasons are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: Your essay is well organized into paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion: You have both an introduction and a conclusion.
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