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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Throughout history, male leaders often made society more violent and conflicting. If women governed the world, the world would be more peaceful. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In recent times, it is true that in many countries around the
world
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,
leadership
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 style has a strong effect on
peace
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, conflict and social harmony.
However
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, it is often argued that male
leaders
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 have made society more violent throughout history, and if
women
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 governed the
world
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, it would become more peaceful. To my way of thinking, I partly agree with
this
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 statement because
women
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 may bring more empathy and cooperation, but
peace
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 does not depend only on gender.
To begin
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 with,
women
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leaders
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 are often considered more caring and understanding in their decision-making. To exemplify
by
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,
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 the fact is that many
women
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 in
leadership
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 positions focus on education, healthcare and social welfare rather than war and aggression.
In other words
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, when
leaders
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 give importance to people’s daily lives, society can become more stable and peaceful.
For example
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, a recent study showed that countries with more female participation in politics often pay more attention to social development and public safety.
Therefore
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,
women
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’s
leadership
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 can help reduce conflict by encouraging discussion, compromise and emotional intelligence.
Besides
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, it would not be completely correct to say that men always create violence or
women
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 always create
peace
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. To express by the fact is that wars and conflicts usually happen because of power, money, land, religion and political interests, not only because of a leader’s gender. Alternatively, some male
leaders
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 have worked for
peace
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,
while
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 some female
leaders
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 have
also
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 taken strong military decisions.
Thus
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, the personality, values and political system of a leader are more important than whether the leader is male or female.
To conclude
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,
women
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 in power may help make the
world
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 more peaceful because they can bring empathy, patience and cooperation into
leadership
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.
Thus
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, in my personal experience as well, I would like to state that I partly agree with the statement, but gender alone cannot guarantee
peace
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. It is predicted that the
world
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 will become more peaceful if both men and
women
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leaders
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 work
together with
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 fairness, wisdom and responsibility.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear, but add one more strong and real example to support your view.
task response
For task response, explain your ideas a little more deeply, especially why women may bring peace and why gender is not the only cause.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, but some linking phrases sound unnatural.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple and natural connectors like 'for example', 'however', 'therefore', and 'in addition' instead of long phrases like 'To exemplify by the fact is that'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear point, then explain it, then give an example.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are organized into clear paragraphs.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • patriarchy
  • matriarchy
  • gender dynamics
  • empathy-driven leadership
  • conflict resolution
  • diplomacy
  • historical precedence
  • stereotypical traits
  • nurturing and collaborative approaches
  • militaristic expansions
  • biological predisposition
  • cultural norms
  • governance
  • social conditioning
  • aggression
  • dominance vs. empathy
  • peaceful resolutions
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