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Band 6.5

In many countries schools have severe problems with student behaviour. What do you think are the causes of this? What solutions can you suggest? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
schools
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 face serious
problems
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 with student
behaviour
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.
This
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 issue can affect the learning environment and
teachers
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' performance. In my opinion, the main causes are poor parenting and the excessive use of mobile phones, and
schools
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 and
parents
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 should work together to solve these
problems
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.
Body paragraph 1
There are several reasons why
students
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 behave badly at school.
Firstly
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, some
parents
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 do not pay enough attention to their
children
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's
behaviour
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, so
children
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 may not learn respect and discipline at home.
As a result
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, they may argue with
teachers
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 or disturb other
students
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.
Secondly
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, excessive use of social media and mobile phones can negatively affect
students
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' attitudes.
For example
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, some
children
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 watch violent videos and copy inappropriate
behaviour
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 from online content.
Consequently
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, they may become aggressive and lose interest in their studies.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, there are several effective ways to address
this
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 issue.
To begin
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 with,
parents
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 should teach their
children
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 good manners and monitor their activities. They should
also
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 communicate regularly with
teachers
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 to understand their
children
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's
behaviour
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.
In addition
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,
schools
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 should establish clear rules and apply fair punishments when
students
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 break them.
For instance
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,
teachers
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 can provide counselling to
students
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 who repeatedly disturb their classmates.
This
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 approach can help
students
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 understand their mistakes and improve their
behaviour
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.
Furthermore
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,
schools
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 should organise sports and group activities because these can teach
students
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 teamwork and respect for others.
Conclusion
In conclusion, poor parenting and excessive use of mobile phones are major causes of behavioural
problems
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 in
schools
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.
Nevertheless
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,
parents
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 and
teachers
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 can reduce these
problems
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 through proper guidance, clear rules and positive activities.
This
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 will create a safer and more productive learning environment for everyone.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why poor parenting and phone use lead to bad behaviour at school.
task response
Your ideas are clear, but some are quite general. Add one more real or clear example, such as a school rule on phones or a parent meeting that helped a child.
task response
The point about violent videos is useful, but not all phone use causes bad behaviour. Say that too much or harmful online content is the problem.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: causes, solutions, and a short ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a few linking words less often. You use "Firstly", "Secondly", "As a result", "Consequently", "To begin with", "In addition", and "Furthermore" well, but some links can be left out when the meaning is already clear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the link between each cause and each solution very direct. For example, after poor parenting, show how home rules and talks with teachers can deal with it. After phone use, add a school phone rule or help for safe phone use.
task response
You give two clear causes and several useful solutions. The ideas stay on the topic from start to end.
task response
The example of students copying bad online content helps show how phone use may affect behaviour.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main job, and the move from causes to solutions is clear.
coherence and cohesion
The ending sums up the main points and gives a clear final result: a safer and better place to learn.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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