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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The government should spend money in promoting sport and art in school, rather than sponsoring professinal sport and art events in communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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It is widely acknowledged that sport and
art
Use synonyms
 funding are a major concern for the public.
While
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 some
people
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 believe that authorities ought to allocate more resources to schools fostering sport and
art
Use synonyms
, I strongly believe that the government should invest in college
sports
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 and arts programs because juveniles can benefit from these fields not only from a health perspective but
also
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 from an academic perspective.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. The foremost reason to support my view is that there is a well-established link between health and cognitive function.
This
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 is because regular exercise improves brain function, making it more efficient and sharp.
As a result
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, by providing well-equipped
sports
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 facilities, schools can encourage adolescents to engage in physical activity.
For instance
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, a study conducted in the U.S. found that students who participated in regular physical activity showed significantly higher academic performance than peers who were not involved in any sporting activities.
Therefore
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, doing
sports
Use synonyms
 has a great impact on academic life.
Furthermore
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, another reason to justify my stance is that
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
 play a crucial role in developing adolescents' imaginative skill which is essential for comprehending more complex topics. Young
people
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 can find a chance to attend an
art
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 class in school easily, and they can see distinctive examples of what other
people
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 imagine , which broadens their perspective and enhances their ability to grasp complex topics. To illustrate, recent studies show that students who read the book , which is Jules Verne's Journey to the Centre of the Earth, showed higher perceptual ability
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 geology than peers who didn't read it.
Consequently
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, there is a strong relationship between academic performance and participating in
art
Use synonyms
 classes. In conclusion, I firmly maintain that young
people
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 can greatly benefit from participating in
sports
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 and arts programs at school, as these activities enhance both their cognitive abilities and
overall
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 health, ultimately leading to stronger academic performance.

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more directly. You talk well about schools, but you do not really explain why community events should get less money.
task response
Make your main idea very clear from the start and keep the same words. You say schools first, but then you say college programs. This can confuse the reader.
task response
Use examples that fit art more clearly. The book example is interesting, but it does not strongly show why school art should get more government money.
coherence and cohesion
Link your ideas more smoothly. Some parts jump fast from health to study, so add short links like 'because of this' or 'for this reason'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body paragraph focused on one point. In the art paragraph, stay on art in school and how it helps students.
coherence and cohesion
Check word choice and small repeats to help flow. Using the same key idea in a simple and steady way can make the essay easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You use examples to support your points, which helps the reader understand your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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