IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In developed world, average life expectancy is increasing. What problems will this cause for individuals and society. Suggest some measures that could be taken to reduce the impact of ageing population.

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Nowadays, one of the major
issues
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 that the modern world is facing is the rise of the mean lifespan. Inherently, it poses a number of critical
issues
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 for the community and the
government
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.
However
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, I believe that there are several effective steps that the
government
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 can take to minimise its impacts. First of all, as the elderly require far more special care, a large proportion of public spending will be channelled into taking care of them,
instead
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 of developing medical advancements.
Moreover
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, the more the proportion of senior citizens is in a particular country, the more the tax burden falls on younger adults of that country, because the part of the budget
that is
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 spent on elderly people as a pension, and free or subsidised medical services is covered with the tax, which is collected from young individuals. Altogether, these factors significantly hinder economic growth. Regarding solutions, there are various approaches to overcome these problematic occurrences.
Firstly
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, the sports centres and gyms at a lower cost should be offered to the working-age population by the
government
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 to encourage them to engage in regular physical activities.
Along with
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this
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, the
government
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 ought to inspire the youth to check their health on a regular basis by providing free medical facilities.
Subsequently
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, the authority can increase the retirement age up to 70, because the individuals who have taken care of their well-being may be as productive as the younger generation. In conclusion,
while
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 the ageing individuals present a range of
issues
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 for society, tackling the problem at an early stage can prevent it from occurring. These can be addressed by motivating the adults to maintain an active lifestyle to avoid potential health
issues
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 in the future

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You explain problems and give some steps, but the steps are more about future health than the old population now.
task response
Add one or two clear examples. This will make your ideas stronger and easier to believe.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some points need more support and detail.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. Some links are good, but a few ideas move too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea and explain it fully before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
You clearly introduce the topic and your view in the first paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
You have a clear conclusion that matches your main ideas.
task response
You address both the problems and the solutions, so the task is covered.
task response
Your ideas about tax pressure and public spending are relevant to the topic.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • life expectancy
  • ageing population
  • healthcare system
  • pension costs
  • workforce
  • retirement age
  • isolation
  • mental health
  • intergenerational tension
  • community programs
  • supportive housing
  • inclusive housing
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