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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Majority
Correct article usage
The majority
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 of
children
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 are spending hours on their cell phones on a daily basis.
This
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 issue is mainly driven by peer pressure. I firmly believe that it is a negative development since it is largely time-consuming and may cause cognitive decline. The pressure from peers nudges
children
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 to spend a considerable amount of time on their smartphones. In schools, most pupils have their own smartphones, which they use daily to stay in touch with their friends. In order to keep in touch longer, these
school
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children
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 use their devices to get access to social media or video games, where they can continue their interaction even after
school
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.
For instance
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,
children
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 may ask for contacts or profiles of their friends and
offer
Verb problem
play
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 the game after
school
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, especially if they cannot meet with each other.
On the other hand
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,
this
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 may be highly distracting and time-consuming. There is no doubt that once a child starts playing a game or watching a video, it is highly problematic to stop continuing it. Mobile gamers,
for example
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,
video
Verb problem
play video
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 games
such
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 as PUBG and Brawl Stars, which went viral among
school
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children
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, and
this
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 phenomenon caused a high rate of phone
utilization
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utilisation
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 for gaming purposes.
Overall
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, all these factors may distract
children
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 from
school
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 or household duties, which may have a detrimental effect on their academic progress and relationships in a family.
In addition
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, it may
also
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 lead to cognitive degradation. Social-media platforms
such
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 as TikTok or Instagram can offer a huge number of short-length videos
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can have a negative impact on
children
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's development, since they get used to short content and can no longer focus on something longer or on studies. With the advancement of technologies, the level of intelligence (IQ) has dropped significantly among teenagers and especially adolescents, as they started spending hours watching spoiling content, which they often refer
as
Change preposition
to as
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 a brainrot.
Consequently
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, the mentioned factors cause cognitive decline.
To conclude
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, the reason
behind
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apply
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why
children
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 spend so many hours on their smartphones is that they are simply encouraged by their peers to interact with them.
Additionally
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, in my
view
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view,
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 it is a fully negative development as it distracts
children
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 from their main duties and causes mental degradation.

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task response
For task response, answer both parts in a more full way. You explain why children use phones, and you clearly say it is negative, but you can add one short point about any small good side and then say why the bad side is stronger.
task response
For task response, some ideas are good but not fully clear. For example, the point about IQ drop is too big and not well proved. Use safer and more direct ideas, like less study time, less sleep, and weak focus.
task response
For task response, examples should be more exact and easy to follow. The game example is useful, but one short real-life style example with cause and result would make the answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear paragraph plan, but some sentences are hard to follow. Try to make one main idea for each paragraph and explain it in a simple order: point, reason, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, linking is sometimes not smooth. Some words and ideas repeat. Use simple link words like first, also, for example, because, so, and as a result.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, a few parts are not natural, such as 'offer the game after school' and 'problematic to stop continuing it.' Clearer wording will help the reader follow your meaning more easily.
task response
For task response, you answer both questions. You give one main reason for phone use and you clearly state your opinion that this is negative.
task response
For task response, your main bad effects are relevant to the topic: wasted time, less attention to study, and possible harm to thinking.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, the essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and a clear end. This helps the reader understand your plan.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each body paragraph has a main focus, and most points connect to your opinion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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