Nowadays, some people claim that public museums and art galleries will not be needed because people can see historical objects and works of art by using a computer. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Some
people
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believe that, because of developing technology
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art
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, art
show examples
galleries
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and
museums
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will not be
on
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in
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demand like in the past. I
am
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apply
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partially agree with that opinion because some
people
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would rather real interaction than digital interaction with
art
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and historical pieces. On the one hand, developing technology is decreasing
amount
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the number
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of
public
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visitors to public museums and art galleries
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museums
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and
art
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galleries
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’ visitors day by day. Thanks to technological advancements,
art
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galleries
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and
museums
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have started to show
articrafts
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artefacts
to
people
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all around the World.
For
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example
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example,
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an
art
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enthusiast from Turkey ,who could never visit
Louvre
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the Louvre
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Museum in Paris, can visit and see Mona Lisa’s portrait virtually.
Hence
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, experiencing
virtually the vibe of articrafts
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the vibe of artefacts virtually
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without visiting may cause the demand
of
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for
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public
museums
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and
art
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galleries
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decrease
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to decrease
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.
In
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On
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the other hand, I do not think public
museums
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and
art
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galleries
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will
not
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apply
show examples
be needed completely. Many
people
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prefer to experience in
real
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reality
when they have oppurtunity than virtual
.
Correct pronoun usage
one.
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For instance
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, a traveller who is visiting Paris would not skip Mona Lisa’s painting just because it is online. Because
people
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value real experiences over virtual ones.
Moreover
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, public
museums
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and
art
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galleries
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are perfect places for
storaging
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storing
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pieces. From paintings to fossils, from guns to ancient crafts, everything
storaged
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is stored
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well, so it is good for real-time virtual museum or gallery
visitings
Replace the word
visits
.
Hence
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need for public
museums
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and
art
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galleries
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might not be like
past
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in the past
show examples
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
; however
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however
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however,
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they are still in demand and useful. In conclusion, developing technology makes
people
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Access
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access
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art
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galleries
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and public
museums
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virtually
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
this
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situation
effects
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affects
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visitor count.
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However
Add a comma
However,
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that does not mean
no
Verb problem
there is no
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need for
museums
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or
galleries
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because
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, because
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still some
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some people still
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people
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love to experience
in
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them in
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real and
also
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those places are good for
storaging
Correct your spelling
storing
the
articrafts
Correct your spelling
artefacts
.

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task response
Write your main idea in a more clear way in the first part. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
task response
Answer all parts of the question in the same way from start to end. Do not change your position.
task response
Add one more clear reason for each main paragraph and explain it with simple detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. For example, use 'On the other hand' not 'In the other hand'.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one clear main idea. This will help the reader follow you.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some lines are hard to follow.
task response
You answered the topic and gave your opinion.
task response
You used examples like the Louvre and Mona Lisa to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like 'On the one hand', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • virtual
  • digital
  • online
  • accessibility
  • inclusivity
  • cultural heritage
  • physical experience
  • immersion
  • local tourism
  • economy
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