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Band 5

The rise of platforms like YouTube and Instagram has led many young people to spend a significant amount of time online, sometimes at the expense of their academic responsibilities. What are the consequences and solutions?

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In
this
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 modern era,
the
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apply
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social applications like Instagram
,
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apply
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 have become a subject of considerable debate. Youngsters are using social sites more often, even at the cost of their academic hours.
This
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 essay shall discuss the consequences and the solutions for
this
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 predicament.
To begin
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 with, there are numerous consequences of the excessive use of social websites on both
individual
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the individual
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 and society.
Firstly
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, longer screen time can lead to physical problems
such
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 as poor eyesight, neck pain, poor posture, and
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle. Unhealthy individuals not only lack in their physical performance but
also
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 suffer from various mental problems.
Moreover
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, social media ruins the concentration ability of
the
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apply
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people. The new trend of reels, which are mostly of fractions of seconds, interrupts the human brain
to concentrate
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from concentrating
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 on one thing for
the
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a
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 longer period. Eventually,
this
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 becomes habitual, which
further
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,
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apply
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 lowers the tendency of an individual to concentrate for more than a minute. The most important solution for
this
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 predicament is the implications of some government rules and regulations.
Government
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The government
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 should impose
age
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an age
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 limit
to the
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on
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 access
of
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to
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 social platforms.
This
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 would eventually filter the audience
of the
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on
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 social media.
Additionally
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, parents can
also
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 encourage their children towards habits like book reading and newspaper reading. Under the influence of
the
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their
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 parents, youngsters could easily transform their awful habits.
Nevertheless
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, schools can
also
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 motivate students to study more often from textbooks as compared to e-books.
To conclude
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, scrolling
reels
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through reels
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 on
the
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apply
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social sites can reduce concentration of an individual.
However
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,
government
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the government
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,
school
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the school
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 and
parents
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the parents
show examples
 can altogether mitigate
this
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 problem with consistent efforts.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about effects and ways to fix them, but some points are short.
task response
Use one or two clear real examples to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea in each body paragraph very clear at the start.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly. Some sentences feel a bit long or not easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Check paragraph focus. The first body part moves from body health to mind health to focus, so control the flow more carefully.
task response
You answer both questions in the task.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas are linked with simple words like firstly, moreover, additionally, and however.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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