IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

After leaving school or university, young people should choose a job or career that they love, rather than one that pays the best salary. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

#school #university #people #job #career #love #salary
In the contemporary era of globalization, labour market standards have witnessed a huge transformation. A wide range of young individuals opt for a job that they adore, rather than a career that gives a better wage. I wholeheartedly agree with
this
 argument.
To begin
 with, an array of individuals are resorting to
work
 at jobs that they admire. They believe that they will be motivated. Their innovation during the
work
 will be high and they will put all their efforts into it.
According to
 a study conducted by Manchester University, a successful workplace is a place where employees
love
 their
work
.
Moreover
, they will build a good bond with their workmates.
This
 will be reflected in the productivity and will increase the profit.
However
, some
people
 are working in jobs they
love
,
nevertheless
, they earn a low salary.
This
 made them struggle during life because of the burdens and the commitments of our lives.
For instance
, a lot of dentists are graduated in Egypt. They
love
 their field,
nonetheless
, the earnings are too low, and
as a consequence
, a lot of them shifted their career. Despite understanding
this
 point of view, I cannot agree with it. In order to increase productivity
people
 should
work
 at places they
love
. They will evolve for it to increase the avenue. In conclusion, from what has been discussed above,
people
 should find what suits them. The government should play a vital role in
this
 issue. It should foster
people
 with more incentives.
Submitted by mohannadsme on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Language Use
Try to consistently use formal vocabulary and avoid informal terms or contractions.
Development
Although your argument was generally clear, it could be beneficial to further elaborate on certain points for a more comprehensive discussion.
Structure
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, presenting a strong argument for choosing a job one loves.
Coherence
There is a logical flow in your essay, with clearly connected points.
Task Achievement
The essay uses a relevant example from Egypt to support the argument.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: