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Band 3.5

Cell phone use in Brazil between 1996 and 2002 Number of people 4,000 3,500 3,000 2,500 2,000 1,500 1,000 500 Men •Women - Both sexes 1996 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002

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The line graph illustrates the
number
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 of people:
men
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,
women
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 and both sexes, who used mobile phones in Brazil from 1996 to 2002.
Overall
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, it is apparent that all three groups experienced an upward trend,
although
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 the combined total remained higher than the figures for
men
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 and
women
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 individually throughout the period.
To begin
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, upon inspection of the
number
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 of
men
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 and
women
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 individually who used cell phones, in 1996, approximately 1,500
men
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 were using phones,
while
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 the
number
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 of
women
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 was slightly over 1,500. Having seen a modest rise,
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women
Check wording
the number of women
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count
Wrong verb form
counted
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 rose simultaneously; by 1998, it reached well more than 1,500.
Similar
Correct article usage
A similar
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 trend was seen in
men
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;
however
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,
women
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 consistently led, and the figure had peaked at approximately 2,000 in 2002.
In contrast
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,
this
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 figure was slightly higher than the
number
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 of
men
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 who had used cellphones by the end of the period.
Furthermore
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, for both sexes combined, a total of 3,000 people were using handsets in 1996. After climbing significantly, the
number
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 reached 3,500 by 1998.
This
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 figure dropped and fell back to less than 3,500 in two years. Mobile phone use across the population climbed substantially; by 2000, it had peaked at well over 3,500.

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task response
For task response, add more key details from the graph. Say clearly how men changed, how women changed, and how the total changed over all years.
task response
For task response, be careful with data. Some numbers and time points are not clear or may be wrong. Check each year before you write.
task response
For task response, compare the groups more directly. For example, say women were a little higher than men for most of the period.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: first men and women, then both sexes.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use simple linkers well, like overall, then, by contrast, and finally. Do not use too many complex phrases.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, some sentences are hard to follow, like 'Having seen a modest rise, women count rose simultaneously.' Use shorter and clearer sentences.
task response
For task response, you gave an overview and noticed that all groups went up.
task response
For task response, you used some numbers to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear introduction, overview, and body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you grouped the data into useful parts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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