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Writing Samples
Band 6

Scientists believe that computers will become more intelligent than human beings. Some people find it a positive development while others think it is negative development. Discuss both points and give your own opini

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Scientists have stated that
computers
Use synonyms
 are becoming more intelligent than
humans
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.
While
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 some
people
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 think that
this
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 is a positive development, others believe it is a negative
one
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. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and give my opinion. On the
one
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 hand,
computers
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 can facilitate workflow. When a job is repetitive and
time
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-consuming, teaching a computer to perform it can make the process easier and faster.
Instead
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 of spending
people
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's lives on meaningless
tasks
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 that do not require their qualifications, assigning
such
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work
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 to
computers
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 can improve
people
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's lives. It can open new areas for development in their careers, offer more challenging
tasks
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, and give
people
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 more
time
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 to spend with their families.
For example
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,
instead
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 of spending the whole day copying and pasting information from
one
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 document to another,
workers
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 can complete
this
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 task within a few minutes and focus on more valuable
work
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. By completing
tasks
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 faster, they can spend more
time
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 with their families, avoid missing important family events or their children's competitions.
Consequently
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,
this
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 can have a positive effect on family relationships, reduce stress, and improve
workers
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' motivation.
On the other hand
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,
computers
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 may take
people
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's jobs. When employers compare the amount of money spent on human
workers
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 with the cost of
computers
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, the difference can be significant. In order to save money, they may replace employees with
computers
Use synonyms
instead
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. For many employers, if the final result is the same whether the
work
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 is done by
humans
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 or
robots
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, choosing
robots
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 is the better option.
Robots
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 do not complain, they do not need days off, they do not require salaries, they reduce labour costs, and they can
work
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 automatically. The only disadvantage is that they require technical support from
time
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 to
time
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.
Consequently
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,
robots
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 can become the ideal
workers
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 for many employers.
Therefore
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,
this
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 development may create serious concerns for more than a million
people
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 whose jobs could be replaced by
robots
Use synonyms
. In my opinion, we should use
computers
Use synonyms
 wisely.
Instead
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 of going from
one
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 extreme to another, the best approach is to use
robots
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 in moderation. Many jobs cannot be done without human involvement,
such
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 as cooking, filmmaking, and singing, just as there are
tasks
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 that
robots
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 can perform more efficiently than
humans
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.
Therefore
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, it is better to use both
humans
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 and
computers
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 where they are most effective. In conclusion,
although
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computers
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 can improve efficiency and make
people
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's lives easier, they may
also
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 replace many
workers
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.
Therefore
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, I believe they should be used as tools to support
humans
Use synonyms
 rather than completely replace them.

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task response
Make your main view a bit more direct in the body, not only in the opinion part at the end.
task response
Add one more very clear and real example to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
In some parts, your ideas repeat a little. Try to say one idea once, then move on.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with more care. Too many can make the flow less smooth.
task response
You answer all parts of the question and give your own view clearly.
task response
Your ideas are clear and easy to follow, and each main part has support.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph stays on one main idea, so the essay is well organized.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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