Some people think that children are having to much free time and this time should be use to study more. To what extent do you agree with this statement?

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Some society believes that
kids
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have to study in their leisure
time
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because they have plenty of free
time
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. In my opinion, I strongly agree with the statement for many reasons, one
is
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of which is
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to help them improve their knowledge, and prevent them from social
media
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risks.
To begin
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with, spending free
time
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studying
,
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apply
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and doing useful things helps children shape their personalities
,
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apply
show examples
and improve their knowledge. Because
kids
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love to have answers for all the questions they have. So, if someone asks them about something, they will have answers and explanations. And with that information, they feel more confident, like scientists and teachers.
For example
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, if parents ask their
kids
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about science or math, they would search for answers.
As a result
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,
this
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will affect their ability to learn, think critically, and consume free
time
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in a good way.
Furthermore
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, these days , everyone sees what social
media
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does to children. It is dangerous, and
kids
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are unaware of what social
media
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can do to them.
Due to
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, it shows crimes, violence,and sexual content, whether by a platform, advertising, or even through chatting online with friends. Let's say if children talk with someone online they do not know and they
sent
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send
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a link to open it,
this
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could be a worse thing for
kids
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because of their curiosity to see what the link is.
Consequently
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, consuming more
time
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on social
media
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will lead to addiction and affect their study.
To sum up
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, people believe that
kids
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have to spend more
time
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studying . I agree with that because
this
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is an effective way to raise your
kids
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in a healthy environment through study that brings benefits for them.

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task response
Answer all parts of the task more directly. Say clearly why you agree, and also show if there is any limit.
task response
Make each main idea larger with clearer support. Some ideas are good, but they need more detail.
task response
Use examples that are more real and specific. This will make your points stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences stop too fast or do not connect well.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear main idea in each paragraph. This will help your essay feel more organized.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar in linking parts, because some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and keep it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body, and ending.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, which is good for IELTS writing.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • detrimental effects
  • mental well-being
  • life skills
  • communication
  • teamwork
  • empathy
  • physical development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • unstructured play
  • cognitive development
  • academic performance
  • fatigue
  • motivation
  • quality over quantity
  • work-life balance
  • time management
  • well-rounded personality
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