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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

There seems to be an increasing number of serious crimes committed each year.While some think the best way is to use the death penalty as a deterrent, ,many believe that other meausres will be needed. Discuss both sides.

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These days, the criminal cases gradually increase every
years
Fix the agreement mistake
year
show examples
. In society, some
people
Use synonyms
 agree with
Use synonyms
death
Correct article usage
the death
show examples
Use synonyms
punishment
Check wording
penalty
show examples
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the rest of
Use synonyms
people
Correct article usage
the people
show examples
 prefer other
Use synonyms
alternative
Fix the agreement mistake
alternatives
show examples
. Considering what penalty should be taken, there are several
determination
Fix the agreement mistake
determinations
show examples
 that potentially may solve the issue, which will
explain
Wrong verb form
be explained
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 notion.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, one of the
Use synonyms
punishment
Fix the agreement mistake
punishments
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 mostly believe to repay the serious crimes is
death
Use synonyms
. By
issue
Wrong verb form
issuing
show examples
this
Linking Words
 type of
law
Use synonyms
, criminals either less dangerous or extreme
crime
Check wording
crimes
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 will possibly feel afraid to
do the
Verb problem
commit
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 criminal
action
Check wording
actions
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 anymore.
As indirectly
Correct word choice
Indirectly
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, it may affect the bad
people
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as
robber
Check wording
robbers, murderers
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,
murderer
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thieves
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,
thief
Check wording
apply
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and so on, to act.
For example
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, when the government
issue
Correct subject-verb agreement
issues
show examples
this
Linking Words
 specific
law
Use synonyms
, by collaborating with the police department, the criminals can absolutely surge.
Hence
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, the region will become
the safety
Replace the word
a safe
 and
convenience
Replace the word
convenient
 place to stay.
On the other hand
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,
death
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
punishment
Check wording
penalty
show examples
 is obviously
critical
Correct article usage
a critical
show examples
 policy because it
highly
Verb problem
is highly
show examples
 related
with the
Change preposition
to
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 lives. If
this
Linking Words
 kind of
law
Use synonyms
 remains
exist
Replace the word
in existence
 without replacing the
alternative
Use synonyms
law
Use synonyms
, the police department or similar job may be able to murder
people
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 easily.
Instead
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 sort of condition depicts the
law
Use synonyms
 enforcer as a criminal
replacing
Punctuation problem
, replacing
show examples
 the previous case.
This
Linking Words
 situation shall
put
Verb problem
be put
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 serious discussion among the government, police, and society in order to obtain
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better
alternative
Use synonyms
law
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, issuing
death
Use synonyms
punishment
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 may
reduces
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 the number of serious
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
.
However
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,
this
Linking Words
law
Use synonyms
 does not stand forever, because
this
Linking Words
 kind of
law
Use synonyms
 is notably dangerous.
Therefore
Linking Words
, considering the
alternative
Use synonyms
law
Use synonyms
 may be the best option for all of
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. Say more about why some people support death penalty and why others want other ways.
task response
Add a clear opinion in the introduction or conclusion. This will make your position easier to see.
coherence and cohesion
Use more clear main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph should have one main point.
task response
Support each main point with a simple and real example. Your police example is not very clear.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, however, for example, and in conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Check that each sentence connects well to the next one. Some parts are hard to follow now.
task response
You discussed both views, so you answered the main question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used a contrast idea with words like on the other hand.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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