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Band 5

In some cultures children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are advantages and disadvanages of giving children this message?

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It is
been
Wrong verb form
apply
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told in many cultures that
children
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 can achieve anything if they try hard enough. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
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 and disadvantages of
this
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 statement.
To begin
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 with,
this
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 message positively affect child's self-esteem. At a young
age
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age,
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children
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absorbs
Correct subject-verb agreement
absorb
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 information quickly
and
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, and
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this
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 fundamental belief about hard-
work
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 is essential for them. When a child wants to accomplish something valuable, they will remember these words and try to
work
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 hard, so their wishes will come true. 
For example
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, in order to get a toy, a child needs to get a good mark at school.
Therefore
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, they become more confident in their abilities and develop higher self-esteem.
Hence
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,
this
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 statement does not apply to many developing countries. When
children
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 are born in
a
Correct article usage
apply
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large families, they are forced to
work
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 at a young age, and do not have access to education, the idea that hard
work
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 always leads to success does not match reality. They are underpaid
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it becomes difficult to make
meet ends
Correct word order
ends meet
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. Not only do they support their families, but
also
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 themselves.
Moreover
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, they
work
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 extremely long hours, without breaks and often suffer from malnutrition. Most of the jobs that they
work
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 are dangerous, and
unfortunately
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unfortunately,
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 many
children
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 do not even survive into adulthood or end up with many diseases.
Consequently
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,
instead
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 of fulfilling their own dreams, they spend their lives helping others achieve theirs.
To conclude
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,
although
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this
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 message can inspire many
children
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 to
work
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 hard and achieve their goals, it does not apply equally to everyone, particularly those living in difficult circumstances.

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task response
Answer both sides more fully. The good side is clear, but the bad side has more detail than the good side.
task response
Add one more clear idea for the good side, so both body parts feel balanced.
task response
Use examples that fit the question more directly. The toy example is a bit simple for this topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. Keep this shape.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few ideas jump too fast. Add short links between cause and result.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part start with one main idea, then explain it, then give one example.
task response
You answer both the advantage and the disadvantage, so you address the full task.
task response
Your main ideas are easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
You have an introduction and a conclusion, and both fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is in clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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