IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

With an increasing number of people eating fast food, which if eating too regularly can cause health issues, some people think that the only solution is to ban it completely. To what extent do you agree?

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In today's rapidly evolving world, the increased popularity of fast
food
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 leads to growing concern because its overconsumption can have a negative impact on
people
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's health. To address
this
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 issue, some argue that the most effective solution is to completely ban it.
While
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 overeating fast
food
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 can bring about detrimental results, I disagree with
this
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 idea, and I believe that
people
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 and policymakers should share the responsibility to tackle
this
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 challenge with more effective measures. One major disadvantage of banning fast
food
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 is that it can contribute significantly to increasing unemployment levels in society because many
people
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 work in restaurants that serve fast
food
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.
As a result
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, the employees of
such
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 restaurants may face economic hardship after the closure of their workplaces, and society may encounter social instability.
For instance
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, closing companies often place a heavy burden on policymakers' budgets, as they have to meet the needs of numerous
people
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 who lost their jobs by investing money in job markets.
Hence
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,
this
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 idea can give rise to social problems and exert pressure on lawmakers. To mitigate
this
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 issue, the cooperation of governments and
people
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 is required. Lawmakers should support public health campaigns to increase individuals' awareness of the adverse side effects of excessive fast
food
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 consumption.
This
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 can offer valuable lessons about a healthy diet and encourage individuals to consume healthy
food
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.
In addition
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,
people
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 should reduce the frequency of fast
food
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 in their dietary habits, replace it with healthy dishes, and prepare their
food
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 in advance if they don't have enough time to cook after work.
For example
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, the
Dr.
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Dr
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 Oz show in the United States of America provides viewers with detailed information about healthy dietary habits and discusses various diseases that are
results
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a result
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 of poor dietary habits.
Thus
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,
such
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 effective measures can play an indispensable role in alleviating
this
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 pressing challenge.
To sum up
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, from my perspective, banning fast
food
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 cannot be an efficient measure to tackle the detrimental consequences of overeating it because it can lead to social problems. To address
this
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 issue, both policymakers and
people
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 should take effective initiatives to achieve long-term beneficial outcomes.

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task response
Make your answer more direct. Say more clearly how much you disagree in the first paragraph and keep this clear all through the essay.
task response
Add one more strong and real example to support your main ideas. This will make your points feel more full and more convincing.
task response
Develop the first body paragraph more. The idea about job loss is good, but explain more how this links to the question about health and banning fast food.
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. This will make your main ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long. Break them into two shorter sentences to improve flow and make links clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. You already use some well, but do not overuse them. Keep the flow natural.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea and this helps the reader follow your argument.
task response
Your solutions are practical and easy to understand.
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