Nowadays television and the Internet have a greater influence on children's behavior than their parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the modern world, where technologies are developing rapidly, almost every child has access to the World Wide Web. Different types of content affect children's upbringing and intellectual development, and
parents
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cannot do anything about it. I totally agree with
this
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statement, and in
this
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essay, I will discuss and explain my point of view. On one side of the argument, there are individuals who believe that both the internet and television have advantages for the development of imagination, critical thinking, language learning, and skill-building through online networks.
For example
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, there are many TV shows that teach different languages, and many content creators on social
media
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who teach painting and singing.
Furthermore
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, many people work as online coaches for children, helping them improve their physical condition and flexibility.
As a result
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, kids gain skills at home, and
parents
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get online assistance when they are busy or at work.
On the other hand
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, kids become dependent on staying online. First of all, modern teenagers are addicted to social
media
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, and for them it is important to stay online to chat with
friends
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.
For instance
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, Instagram is one of the most popular social
media
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apps, and for teens, it is the main app for communicating with
friends
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or watching short videos.
Therefore
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, they become less
socialized
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socialised
show examples
and are constantly tired, since they might stay up until morning on social
media
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chatting with their peers.
Moreover
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, unsuspecting teenagers can stumble upon bad people online and become
friends
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with them. These "
friends
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" influence teens much more strongly than
parents
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and,
consequently
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, use them to their own advantage. A clear examples of
this
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are kids who send money from their
parents
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' credit cards to scammers who wormed their way into their confidence and became a "friend". In conclusion, I strongly believe that the internet has a huge effect on children and can change their minds and behaviour.
However
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, if modern tech is used properly and only for educational purposes, it will affect positively on little people.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start. Say why TV and the internet have more power than parents, not only that they exist.
task response
Focus more on the question. The topic asks about TV and the internet compared with parents, but you speak more about the internet only.
task response
Add one more clear idea about parents. For example, say why parents have less time or less control now.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are not fully explained. After each main point, add one short line to show how it proves your answer.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that match your main answer more closely. The first body paragraph should clearly link to your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The first body paragraph talks about good sides, but your opinion is strong agreement. This makes the line of ideas a bit weak.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words are used well in many places, like first of all, furthermore, moreover, and therefore.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with long sentences. A few shorter sentences can make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and again in the end.
task response
You use real and easy examples, like Instagram and online lessons.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because each paragraph has one main area.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion gives a clear closing message.
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