IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some believe that to give opportunities to the new generation companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire. Do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying the fact that new-generation companies give opportunities for older
employees
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 to retire.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that higher-level
employees
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 over the
age
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 of 55 should retire, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes
this
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 belief. In my opinion, I consider that older
people
Use synonyms
 should retire early by encouraging them to do so.
To begin
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 with, there are many advantages to retiring at an old
age
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.
In other words
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, it can be quite hard to keep working, and having the needed income
afterward
Change the spelling
afterwards
show examples
 is useful.
In addition
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, it would be beneficial for a new generation to start working at a young
age
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.
For example
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, individuals aged 20 to 30 should start working at a young
age
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 so they can gain more experience and knowledge; large companies would want experienced individuals rather than newly starting
employees
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. Another point to consider is that the new generation would have a lower income than older
employees
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. It is possible to say that
this
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 will help businesses to not spend a lot of money on new
people
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.
Moreover
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, getting low-level workers can be enjoyable, allowing one to teach them how the company works and retain them for a long time.
Furthermore
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, training 16 new individuals for at least 3 months would be a great idea.
Finally
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, despite
people
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 having different views, I believe that the older generation should retire, making way for new generations to keep the workforce going and reducing payroll costs.
However
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, training many
people
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 can be difficult, but it will be beneficial in the long term.

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coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects back to your main point.
task achievement
Use clearer examples that fully explain how they relate to your arguments.
task achievement
Strengthen your introduction and conclusion to better summarize your view and key points.
task achievement
You present a clear opinion about encouraging older employees to retire.
task achievement
You address both sides of the argument, which shows good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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