IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people buy new phones or laptops to keep up with new technology. Is this a good or bad thing?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
In recent years, many people prefer to buy new mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 and laptops whenever a new model is released in order to keep up with
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 technology.
While
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 trend has some advantages, I believe that
disadvantages
Correct article usage
the disadvantages
show examples
 of
this
Linking Words
 trend are more as it encourages unnecessary spending and
create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
show examples
 environmental problems.
This
Linking Words
 essay will highlight
initially
Linking Words
 positive aspects of purchasing new
devices
Punctuation problem
devices,
show examples
 followed by
brief
Correct article usage
a brief
show examples
 account of its drawbacks. On the one hand, one evident benefit of buying new communications devices
on launching
Replace the word
upon launch
 is that it provides security and updates that old ones have discontinued.
This
Linking Words
 is an essential feature of many applications that are used in people’s daily
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, banking applications and Microsoft
office
Capitalize the proper name
Office
show examples
 did not run on old
phones
Use synonyms
 as their updates get stopped by the company after a certain period.
In addition
Linking Words
, the latest mobiles and laptops provide much better performance and speed in comparison to older technology that
lag
Correct subject-verb agreement
lags
show examples
 in new features. On the downside, there could be certain problems associated with purchasing the latest model
phones
Use synonyms
 and laptops. One issue
involved
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
with it is that buying a new phone or laptop every year puts financial pressure on individuals, especially when their old device is still working fine.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 a survey report by dailynews.com, 40% of adults in the USA buy a new iPhone every year when it launches just to show off in their friend circle.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 habit leads to a large amount of electronic waste. These electronic devices contain harmful materials, which lead to environmental pollution if they are not recycled, ultimately leading to the destruction of the planet and habitats.
To sum up
Linking Words
, on account of the points discussed above, it is logically concluded that changing to new
phones
Use synonyms
 and
laptop
Correct article usage
a laptop
show examples
 may give efficiency and some new features. I believe that its disadvantages outweigh the advantages as they increase financial burden and disturb environmental sustainability.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more fully. You say the bad side is stronger, but you can explain this more clearly in each body part.
coherence and cohesion
Use more clear main ideas at the start of each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your points easily.
task response
Some ideas need more support. Add one more short reason or one more clear example for each main point.
coherence and cohesion
Link words are used, but some are not natural or have small grammar problems. Keep them simple and correct.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion is clear, but it can be stronger if it repeats your main reasons in a more direct way.
task response
You answer both sides of the topic and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas are mostly easy to follow from one paragraph to the next.
task response
You use examples to support your points, which helps your response.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: