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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that school children should be required to do unpaid community service in their free time, such as helping in a retirement home or cleaning up public spaces. Do you agree or disagree?

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It is often argued that youngsters should be required to do voluntary
work
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 during their free
time
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,
for example
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, assisting people who live in a retirement house or cleaning up public areas. I strongly disagree with
this
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 statement.
Students
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 should
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 their studies and spend their spare
time
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 with friends and family. First of all, voluntary
work
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 can cause lots of pressure on
students
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. If youngsters spend their free
time
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 doing charity
work
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, they lose their momentum in their studies. They are running out of
time
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 to complete their homework.
While
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 others believe that doing
community
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 service will enhance
students
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' capability to
work
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 from a young age.
Moreover
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, if schools create a mandatory course for all
students
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 to attend the unpaid
community
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 service, school-aged pupils will be distracted from their educational curriculum.
For example
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, people who do
community
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work
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 during their available
time
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, they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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 do not perform well in their academic courses as they feel overwhelmed.
Therefore
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, doing unpaid
community
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work
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 sometimes creates negative outcomes for
students
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.
Furthermore
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, when youngsters spend their free
time
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 on
community
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work
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, they do not have sufficient
time
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 to play with their friends after school.
This
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 could lead to mental dissatisfaction for
students
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. If they are required to attend voluntary
work
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, their spare
time
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 will be spent on cleaning open areas and assisting older people in a retirement village.
In addition
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, children's mental growth will be affected negatively, and bonding with families will be reduced
due to
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 the lack of spare
time
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. Children will be physically tired
as well as
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 they spend their
time
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 on unpaid
work
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.
For example
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, most of the schools now encourage
students
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 to attend sports rather than attend
community
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work
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. It helps them to be active and boost their mental well-being.
Thus
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, schools should encourage
students
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 to do better in their academic curriculum and enrich their knowledge. In conclusion,
although
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 attending voluntary
community
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work
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 is a practical experience for
students
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, I strongly disagree, as
students
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 are required to give attention to their studies and spend their spare
time
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 with friends and family.

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task response
Answer the question in a more full way. You give a clear no view, but some ideas are repeated.
task response
Use more direct support for each main idea. Explain how and why each point is true.
task response
Add one more clear and real example for your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter and clearer. A few lines are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more carefully. Some parts do not connect well, especially after 'While others believe'.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about study time and free time many times.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main points are on topic and easy to see.
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