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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that teaching music in schools is vital, while others think it is unnecessary (opinion)

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There is an ongoing debate about whether schools should teach
music
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. I think that schools should not only provide academic
subjusts
Correct your spelling
subjects
 but
also
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 equip
students
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 with practical skills.
Therefore
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, the reasons supporting my view will be discussed in the following essay.
To begin
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 with,
music
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 is beneficial for
students
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 because it makes
students
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 take a break from logical subjects for a
while
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,
such
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 as mathematics, science, and language. On top of that,
leaning
Verb problem
listening to
show examples
music
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 is one of the best ways to express feelings and relieve stress, which enables
students
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 to relax at
school
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. In
a
Correct article usage
the
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 long run,
students
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 would learn more
effective
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effectively
 and
happier
Verb problem
be happier
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.
For instance
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, many
students
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 look forward to learning
music
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especially
Punctuation problem
, especially
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 after logical subjects in Taiwan.
This
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 is mainly because relaxation plays a key
in
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role in
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 effective learning, which makes
students
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 maintain a
balance
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balanced
 life, thereby
music
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 is essential for
educational
Correct article usage
an educational
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 environment.
Moreover
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,
music
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 is not only about lyrics, melody and rhythm but
also
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 about culture, so
students
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 can learn more about different cultures at
school
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.
For instance
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, there
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 a wide range of indigenous peoples around the world,
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students
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and students
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 can understand their culture through
leaning
Use the right word
learning
show examples
 their songs.
This
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 is very important because it gives
students
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 a chance to know various people from different countries before they
graduated
Wrong verb form
graduate
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 from their
school
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.
To sum up
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,
although
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 some people argue that schools should not focus on teaching
music
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, I still believe that
music
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 has a strong influence on
students
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 because it helps
students
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 improve learning effectiveness at
school
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,
while
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 more understand a wide range of
culture
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cultures
show examples
 across the world.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You support music well, but say a little more about why some people think it is not needed.
task response
Make your main idea very direct in the introduction. Say clearly that music should be taught in school and why.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear explanation and one clear example. Some ideas are good, but a few parts are too general.
coherence cohesion
Use simpler linking between ideas. A few sentences are too long, so the flow is not always smooth.
coherence cohesion
Put one main idea in each paragraph and keep all sentences close to that idea.
coherence cohesion
Check sentence connection. Some parts like 'thereby music is essential' and the last sentence are not linked in a clear way.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it through the essay.
task response
You include examples, like students in Taiwan and learning culture through songs.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow most of the time.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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