IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that it is good for a country’s culture to broadcast foreign films and TV shows. Others, however, think it is best to produce local films and shows. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Some
school
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schools
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 of thoughts believes that showing international
movies
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 and television shows is best for a
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country
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country,
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while
Linking Words
other's
Check wording
others
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 are of the opinion that it's best for a nation to make their native films and shows. I am of the opinion that it's best for a nation to produce
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
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 indigenous
movies
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 and local shows because it promotes culture and
heritage
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and
Punctuation problem
, and
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also
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 brings development to the
entertainment
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 industry.
Firstly
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, the production of local
entertainment
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 shows and
movies
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 helps to promote local cultures and
heritage
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.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 these
movies
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 are produced in story lines that
portrays
Correct subject-verb agreement
portray
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 the
nations
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nation's
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 origin
and
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, and
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 when viewed by the local
people
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, it improves their understanding of the
heritage
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which
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, which
show examples
 makes them
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
know more about it and put them in practice at every opportunity.
For example
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, the Makosa movie produced by
king
Capitalize the proper name
King
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 Jaja of Senegal
show cased
Correct your spelling
showcased
 the
nations
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nation's
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 ancient practice of cotton farming and cloth making
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 the
country
Use synonyms
 of Senegal was known for. The movie was viewed massively by both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young and old
people
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. These made the
people
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 of the younger generation
to
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apply
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embrace
this
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 practice, making Senegal
to be
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apply
show examples
known for cotton textile manufacturing
till
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to
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 date
Linking Words
thus
Punctuation problem
, thus
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,
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apply
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 fostering culture and
heritage
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.
Secondly
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, producing local
movies
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 and shows in theatres promotes the revenue generated from the
entertainment
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 industry.
This
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 contributes significantly to the
nations
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nation's
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 gross development.
For instance
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, a research study in 2020 in Nigeria showed that about 30% of
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country's
Correct article usage
the country's
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 GDP was contributed by revenues generated from local film production.
This
Linking Words
 eventually promotes the economy.
However
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, broadcasting foreign shows and
movies
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 by the
country
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 demarkets the
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country
Check wording
country's
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entertainment
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 industry. Because showing these foreign films deprives the nation
the
Change preposition
of the
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 opportunity to
show case
Correct your spelling
showcase
 the talents of the local entertainers to the citizens.
This
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in
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, in
show examples
 turn , waters down the efforts of our talented entertainers because they are not involved in movie making,
thus
Linking Words
 they can't showcase their talent
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 eventually makes them less known by their own
people
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. In my opinion, I believe that a
country
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 should engage in the production of
their
Fix the agreement mistake
its
show examples
 local shows, films and
movies
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 because it gives the national individuals the opportunity to view stories that are relatable to them. To summarise, it is of great advantage to make local stories and
movies
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 because it promotes culture,
heritage
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 and revenue
generation
Punctuation problem
generation,
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while
Linking Words
 televising foreign
movies
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 should not be embraced because it makes
talents
Correct article usage
the talents
show examples
 of the locals not
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
be widely viewed and appreciated.

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task response
Discuss both views more evenly. You wrote more about local films and only a little about foreign films.
task response
Give a clearer opinion in one sentence and keep the same view all through the essay.
task response
Use examples that sound more real and easy to trust. Some examples in the essay seem weak or not clear.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear plan: main idea, reason, example, result.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, however, and in conclusion, but do not overuse them.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long. Split them into shorter sentences to make your meaning clearer.
task response
You answered the question and gave your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most main points have some support and examples.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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