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Writing Samples
Band 6

The graph below shows the percentage of 18-25 year olds in university in 4 different countries.

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The line graph gives
informations
Check wording
information
show examples
 about the percentage of students in
university
Check wording
universities
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 between 18
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 25 years
olds
Check wording
old
show examples
 in
Singapore
Use synonyms
,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
,
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 and
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
Thailand
Use synonyms
 .
Overall
Linking Words
, there is
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 increase in all four countries ,
although
Linking Words
 the
extend
Replace the word
extent
 of growth varied
consirably
Correct your spelling
considerably
.
Singapore
Use synonyms
 is recorded with the most dramatic rise before being marginally outnumbered by
Thailand
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
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 became the leading
country
Punctuation problem
country,
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while
Linking Words
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 remained the lowest percentage. At the beginning, in 1961,
Thailand
Use synonyms
 had the highest rate with 25%,
was
Verb problem
apply
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followed by
Singapore
Use synonyms
 with 15%,
along with
Linking Words
Correct article usage
the
show examples
Philippines and
Malaysia
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 were much lower with 7.5% and 2.5%, respectively .
Then
Linking Words
Singapore
Use synonyms
equaled once
Change the spelling
equalled
show examples
Thailand
Use synonyms
 to 22.5% and overtook it by 2.5%
at the end
Linking Words
 of the decade.
Likewise
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 the next 30 years,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
equaled
Change the spelling
equalled
show examples
Singapore
Use synonyms
 to 7.5% and outnumbered it by 2.5% before both countries significantly
rise
Wrong verb form
rose
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 and
meet
Wrong verb form
met
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 in 1991 to 15 %.
At the end
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
 period,
Sinagapore
Correct your spelling
Singapore
 was the leading country with approximately 36%
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 a predicted decrease.
However
Linking Words
 ,
Thailand
Use synonyms
 suddenly jumped and
outnumbered slightly
Correct word order
slightly outnumbered
show examples
Singapore
Use synonyms
 to 45% in 2001, which
where
Use the right word
was
show examples
 recorded at 40% . Throughout the period ,
while
Linking Words
Philippines
Correct article usage
the Philippines
show examples
 was steadily rising to just under 20% ,
Malaysia
Use synonyms
 remained stable to 15%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words singapore, malaysia, thailand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 2 times.
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