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Writing Samples
Band 8

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

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Youngsters are exposed to lots of pressure in their academic journeys nowadays. Some people believe that education centres should extract non-academic subjects from their programmes to provide a more comfortable study environment for their students.
However
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, I completely disagree that the school syllabus is created only to support high-level and technical education.
Firstly
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, children dealing with challenging studies have to wind down. When they are overwhelmed with difficult topics in their classes, they need other activities to distract their minds. A great method for
that is
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 to join some classes related to their hobbies,
such
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 as sports, cooking, or even poetry.
Moreover
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, these activities support the learners in terms of socialising with their friends.
For instance
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, basketball is a very common sport and a significant practice in American high schools and universities to empower the discipline and focus of students.
Hence
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, they exceed general expectations on their grades beyond the effect of relaxation by non-scientific interests.
Secondly
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, today's world is not in need of individuals with only strong academic backgrounds; we have to consider other labour shortages to sustain the life order. Usually, we demand trainers to support us at the gym, chefs to cook for us to eat out, sportsmen to watch them on TV and spend time with our relatives, or producers to listen to music.
Due to
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this
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, schools should combine their syllabuses with other values to expand children's abilities.
For example
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, it is an opportunity for a student who is good at maths and analysis to become a DJ or music producer since he/she shows creativity and talent required.
Consequently
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, non-academic modules bring a variety of career paths, serving all the vacancies we have in our daily lives.
To sum up
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, even though some people assume that a non-academic syllabus should be removed to have children concentrate, I strongly advocate that non-scientific studies help students to cool down ,
as well as
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 complete the main job vacancies in our world.

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task response
Answer the question more directly in each main part. Keep linking your ideas to why schools should keep these subjects.
task response
Use clearer examples. Some examples are interesting, but a few feel too broad or not fully linked to the main idea.
task response
Develop your second main idea more carefully. The part about jobs is good, but it needs a clearer line from school subjects to future work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end. Keep this strong shape.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler and more exact linking words. A few sentences are long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each paragraph has one main idea only. This will make your writing easier to read.
task response
You clearly give your opinion and keep it the same through the essay.
task response
You cover both stress relief and future jobs, so your answer feels full.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is well ordered, with an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most ideas connect well from one sentence to the next.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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