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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be useful members of society. Others say the purpose of education is to fulfill personal ambitions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Education
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 is the most powerful tool that allows
individuals
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 to improve their quality of
life
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 and personal development.
While
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 a significant number of
people
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 believe that
education
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 can provide fundamental skills for being a responsible member of
society
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, others argue that
education
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 facilitates
people
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achieving
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in achieving
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 their goals. I strongly believe that
education
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 overcomes any lack of capability, which is a great impediment to being a responsible member of
society
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. On the one hand, a collective
life
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 requires an area where
individuals
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 must share common responsibilities and tasks that are essential for continuing
life
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 in that shared area.
This
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 is because when
people
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 don't respect other
people
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's
lives
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,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society
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 can suffer from a lack of regulations that ensure a clear understanding and effective
communtication
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communication
 among
society
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 members about their roles and rights. These essentials can be learned and trained through
education
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, enabling members to take care of their space and respect others' private spaces.
As a result
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,
education
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 gives rise to civic awareness, which has a unique impact on societal
life
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.
For instance
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,
society
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 needs a neighbourhood to live in, where it must preserve the streets and parks to continue its existence, and
education
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 provides the required manners and understanding, encouraging them to keep their neighbourhood clean.
On the other hand
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,
individuals
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 have personal academic and career ambitions that can come true through
education
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.
This
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 is because many
people
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 aspire to work in jobs that require a high level of
education
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.
Thus
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,
individuals
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 are very eager to pursue their academic goals and become the person they dream of being. To illustrate, workers who enjoy their
lives
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 and achieve their goals are generally educated
people
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 because they earn sufficient money to live without any budget
consideration
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considerations
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.
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Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 it
demonstrate
Correct subject-verb agreement
demonstrates
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 that
education
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provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
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 a space where
people
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 enjoy their social and professional
lives
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. In conclusion,
although
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 many feel that
education
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 is a required way to achieve their ambitions, I firmly maintain that becoming a responsible citizen of the environment and
society
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 is more important for
people
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's
lives
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;
furthermore
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, only
education
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 can shape
people
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's minds and
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more equal way. Your view is clear, but the first side has more support than the second side.
coherence and cohesion
Make your main idea more direct in each body paragraph. Put the topic sentence first and keep the focus on it.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and real. Some examples are too general, so they do not strongly support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a simpler and clearer way. Sometimes your sentences are long, so the line of thought is hard to follow.
task response
Keep the same key idea in the whole essay. Your opinion in the intro is not fully clear and sounds a bit different from the conclusion.
task response
You answered both views and gave your own opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, two body parts, and a conclusion.
task response
Most ideas are linked to the topic of education and society or personal goals.
coherence and cohesion
You use basic linking words like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' well.
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