IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

· Many children today suffer from being overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this problem and give solutions to fix it.

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· It's a fact
that
Linking Words
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
most
children
Use synonyms
 nowadays suffer from being overweight. There are several root
cause
Fix the agreement mistake
causes
show examples
 of obesity.
However
Linking Words
, a few remedies could be offered to resolve the situation to a large extent . Both the reasons and the measures are elaborated
futher
Correct your spelling
further
. Examining the reasons, the most common is that fast food is harmful, which can cause many dangerous body problems
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
being fat and unhealthy.
However
Linking Words
, many
children
Use synonyms
 love eating restaurant food, and
that is
Linking Words
 the major problem
to
Verb problem
leading to
show examples
get unfitness
Check wording
obesity
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the other cause is
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of exercise.
For example
Linking Words
, many kids feel lazy because they
were
Wrong verb form
do
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 not do any daily sports.
Also
Linking Words
, short sleep
it led
Wrong verb form
can lead
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 to many diseases ,and one of these is weight gain .
On the contrary
Linking Words
, to
cambat
Correct your spelling
combat
 the issue,some productive steps can assist to overcome to a large extent. The foremost one is eating well and avoiding bad food .
For instance
Linking Words
, it can protect
childern's
Correct your spelling
children's
 stomachs and kill the virus, and one of these solutions
cooking
Verb problem
is cooking
show examples
 in a clean place .
Besides
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
, every parent must take their kids to the doctor monthly .
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
visting
Correct your spelling
visit
 could be the most important thing that saves
babies
Check wording
babies'
show examples
 and young
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 bodies .
In addition
Linking Words
, it's important to learn about
human
Correct article usage
the human
show examples
bodies
Check wording
body's
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 situation to save it from
the bacterias
Check wording
bacteria
show examples
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are several issues
due to
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 who suffer
form
Use the right word
from
show examples
this
Linking Words
 challenge , taking steps
shuch
Correct your spelling
such
 as
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 system can solve the problems to a large extent.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and solutions, but some ideas are too short.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer main ideas in each body paragraph. One paragraph for reasons and one for solutions is good, but each point needs better support.
task response
Give examples that fit the topic well. Some examples are not clear, like viruses, clean place, and monthly doctor visits.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words like first, also, because, so, and as a result. This will make the flow smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some parts are hard to follow.
task response
You clearly talk about both causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like however, moreover, for example, and in addition.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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