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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Topic: It is the responsibility of individuals to save and provide for their own retirement. Governments have no obligation to provide this benefit. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the modern economic landscape, the question of who should bear the financial burden of
retirement
Use synonyms
 has sparked intense global debate.
While
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 some argue that
individuals
Use synonyms
 must be entirely self-reliant in securing their senior years, I strongly disagree with the assertion that governments have no obligation to provide
retirement
Use synonyms
 benefits. A functional society requires a dual-responsibility model where
state
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-funded safety nets and personal savings work in tandem.
To begin
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 with, the premise that governments have no duty to support retirees ignores the fundamental social contract between a
state
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 and its citizens. Throughout their working lives,
individuals
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 contribute to their nation's economic growth through
labor
Change the spelling
labour
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 and taxation.
Therefore
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, the provision of a
retirement
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 pension is not an act of charity, but a reciprocal obligation.
For instance
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, in countries like Sweden and the Netherlands, robust
state
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 pension systems are funded directly by decades of taxpayer contributions. These systems ensure that citizens, having dedicated their productive years to building the nation, are guaranteed financial security and dignity in their twilight years.
Furthermore
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, relying solely on individual savings is a highly precarious approach that exacerbates social inequality. Not all citizens have equal opportunities to accumulate wealth; those in low-income brackets,
individuals
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 with chronic illnesses, or caregivers who take career breaks often lack the disposable income to invest in private
retirement
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 portfolios. Without a
state
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-guaranteed baseline pension, a vast segment of the elderly population would inevitably slip into extreme poverty. A government-provided safety net is
therefore
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 essential to uphold human dignity and prevent systemic socio-economic collapse among vulnerable demographic groups.
However
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,
this
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 is not to say that
individuals
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 bear no responsibility.
While
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 the government must guarantee a survival-level baseline, personal financial planning remains vital for those wishing to maintain a higher standard of living. In nations like Canada and the United States, employer-sponsored schemes and private investment accounts (
such
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 as RRSPs or 401ks) successfully complement public pensions.
This
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 multi-pillar approach relieves pressure on the public treasury
while
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 encouraging fiscal responsibility among workers.
Nevertheless
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, individual initiative should serve as a supplement to, rather than a replacement for,
state
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 welfare. In conclusion, I completely disagree that governments are free from the obligation of providing
retirement
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 benefits. An equitable society must ensure that old age does not equate to financial destitution. The most sustainable and ethical path forward is a collaborative framework where the
state
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 provides a secure, dignified foundation, and
individuals
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 build upon it
according to
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 their means.

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear and you give your view from the start. To make it even better, you can add one short line on why some people think people should save by themselves, and then show why you do not fully accept that idea.
task response
For task response, your ideas are strong, but some parts sound a bit general. Try to add one more real and simple example, so your point feels more direct and easy to trust.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay is very easy to follow. To improve a little more, you can make one or two links between ideas more simple. Some long lines may feel a bit heavy for the reader.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each body part has one main point, which is good. You can make the flow even smoother by using a few short linking words like 'also', 'so', or 'because' in place of some longer phrasing.
task response
For task response, you answer all parts of the question and your position is clear all through the essay.
task response
For task response, you use examples from real countries, and this helps support your main ideas well.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, so the reader can follow your ideas with ease.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, each paragraph has a clear purpose and stays on one main idea.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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