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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children today suffer from being overweight. This is a serious health issue. Give the reasons for this problem and give solutions to help solve it.

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According to
Linking Words
 the new life of technology and
smartphones
Punctuation problem
smartphones,
show examples
 are causing suffering from
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
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.
the
Capitalize the word
The
show examples
 most
effected
Use the right word
affected
show examples
 category is
Children
Use synonyms
. Overweight and health issues occupied.
This
Linking Words
 essay will give reasons for
this
Linking Words
 problem and solutions to help solve it. On the one hand, the increase in restaurants around the world is obvious.
For example
Linking Words
, using attractive advertisements on streets and
in the
Change preposition
on
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 social media is incredible.
Children
Use synonyms
 will prefer to have these meals from the shops as
possible
Rephrase
often
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 as they can.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the working mothers
outside
Verb problem
are outside
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 the
houses
Check wording
house
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 “on Jobs” for long hours.
Children
Use synonyms
 will search for unhealthy solutions to eat and survive
instead
Linking Words
 of waiting for parents to cook healthy ones.
Other
Correct determiner usage
Another
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 reason for
children
Use synonyms
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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setting
Verb problem
is spending
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 most of the week at home
holding
Punctuation problem
, holding
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 gaming machines and smartphones. Will cause Laziness and
un able
Verb problem
be unable
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 to
make
Verb problem
do
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 any physical exercise.
However
Linking Words
,
There
Fix capitalization
there
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 are multiple
of
Change preposition
apply
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logical solutions to avoid
Use synonyms
Children
Replace the word
childhood
 obesity.
First,
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giving conscious thoughts about the reality of junk and unhealthy food around the world.
For example
Linking Words
, mention the terrible effect of having these meals on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health. Having
routine
Correct article usage
a routine
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 of any kind of exercise three days a week is fantastic for the body
overall
Linking Words
.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
,
engage
Wrong verb form
engaging children
show examples
Children
Use synonyms
 with regular classes of sport is
perfect
Correct article usage
a perfect
show examples
 solution.
Finally
Linking Words
, keep control
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 technology at home to get
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
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 body for
children
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, for
sure
Punctuation problem
sure,
show examples
 there are serious problems of obesity in each society around the world.
However
Linking Words
, avoiding these problems is the best solution for
children
Use synonyms
 to build a
heathier
Correct your spelling
healthier
 and happier society.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give reasons and solutions with more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Add more clear links between ideas, like 'because', 'so', and 'as a result'.
task response
Give examples that are more specific and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Develop each main point before moving to the next one.
task response
You answered both parts of the question: reasons and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The main idea is clear: food, less exercise, and phone use can lead to overweight.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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