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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think all lawbreakers should be sent to prison, while others think there are better alternatives for those whose crimes are minor, such as making them do work for the local community. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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It is believed by some people that all lawbreakers should be sent to prison,
while
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 other individuals are convinced there are better alternatives for those whose crimes are not that serious,
such
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 as making them do work for the local community. In my view, it would be better to imprison only the real criminals in order to prevent some possible problems, like overpopulation and extra costs in prisons. On the one hand, every person sent to prison is educated and disciplined properly.
However
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, sending everyone who committed a crime there is incorrect and might lead to a higher number of prisoners than available rooms.
Moreover
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,
this
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 solution will generate more expenses, since everyone should be fed, taken care of and have a room to sleep in.
As a result
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, more money from the government and people’s taxes will go to prisoners’ needs
instead
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 of
spending it
Wrong verb form
being spent
show examples
 on something useful,
such
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 as education and medicine.
Also
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, making the
committers
Replace the word
perpetrators
 of minor crimes do the local community work will make our society a little bit better.
For example
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, they could decorate or clean the streets,
as well as
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trimming
Wrong verb form
trim
show examples
 the bushes,
painting
Wrong verb form
paint
show examples
 the buildings and
sorting
Wrong verb form
sort
show examples
 the garbage,
consequently
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 making the city prettier. More than that, working will teach them patience, they will have enough time to
thing
Use the right word
think
show examples
 about their behaviour and, what is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most important, will understand that they will have to pay
this
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 way every time they do illegal things.
To conclude
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, there is no need to imprison everyone who is guilty of something minor if the government’s goal is to avoid unnecessary costs. There are better options to punish these people by making our society more beautiful and pleasant to live in, like making them clean and decorate public spaces.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You talk more about other choices than about prison for all lawbreakers.
task response
Add one more clear idea for why some people want prison for everyone.
task response
Use more exact examples. Your ideas are clear, but the examples are a bit general.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea start with a clear topic sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is not natural. Use simple links like 'First', 'Also', 'As a result', and 'In conclusion'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one paragraph to one main point. This will make your writing easier to follow.
task response
You answer the question and give your opinion clearly.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and fit the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas usually follow a clear order.
task response
You give some examples of community work, which helps your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • lawbreakers
  • deterrent
  • rehabilitation
  • community service
  • recidivism
  • incarceration
  • public safety
  • cost-effectiveness
  • infraction
  • reintegration
  • punitive measures
  • reoffending
  • stigmatization
  • educational programs
  • counseling programs
  • alternative approaches
  • societal benefits
  • burden on taxpayers
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