IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is better for people to be unemployed than to be employed in a job they do not enjoy. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Get started →
It is believed that
individuals
Use synonyms
 should choose to resign from a
career
Use synonyms
 that does not interest them. From my perspective, I agree that being unemployed is better than accepting a dull
career
Use synonyms
.
Initially
Linking Words
, being employed in a strenuous and monotonous
job
Use synonyms
 incurs no
further
Linking Words
 growth in
career
Use synonyms
 development,
such
Linking Words
 as promotion or salary rise.
This
Linking Words
 is because
individuals
Use synonyms
 feel
demoralized
Change the spelling
demoralised
show examples
 when performing work
that is
Linking Words
 boring.
As a result
Linking Words
, these employees have difficulties working to their full potential, leading to inefficiency at work.
Consequently
Linking Words
, workers become less willing to cooperate with colleagues,
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
show examples
 with coworkers, and accumulate skills, thereby restraining
overall
Linking Words
 performance.
For example
Linking Words
, those pursuing football as a
career
Use synonyms
 may find it challenging and boring when taking up teaching.
In addition
Linking Words
, doing a boring
job
Use synonyms
 wastes time and effort. As
individuals
Use synonyms
 feel uncomfortable with their
career
Use synonyms
 when taking up an incompatible
career
Use synonyms
, they tend to work with little commitment and do not perform proportionately to their abilities.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
 may make little use of their time effectively and lose
career
Use synonyms
 opportunities.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, accepting a strenuous and boring
career
Use synonyms
 enables a temporary income safeguard. Being willing to take up jobs even though it seems unsuitable helps people earn
idle
Use the right word
extra
show examples
 money, which may be adequate for future needs.
In contrast
Linking Words
, resigning from a boring
career
Use synonyms
 may make it difficult to have savings in case of
emergency
Correct article usage
an emergency
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it helps foster adaptability in society to social volatility, leading to secure income sources from a
career
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, fierce competition in the
job
Use synonyms
 market means that some jobs may be unavailable
due to
Linking Words
insufficient
Correct article usage
an insufficient
show examples
 workforce.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
individuals
Use synonyms
 who are able to endure an unsuitable
job
Use synonyms
 can become successful and be less prone to abrupt changes. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 accepting a boring
career
Use synonyms
 can provide a temporary source of income and improve adaptability, I believe that being unemployed is a better choice because it allows
individuals
Use synonyms
 to avoid wasting time and effort on an unsuitable
job
Use synonyms
 and pursue a more suitable
career
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main idea more clear from the start. Say exactly why you agree, and keep this same line in all body parts.
task response
Add more direct support for each main point. Some ideas are general and need a short, clear example.
task response
Be careful with your example about football and teaching. It feels a bit sudden and not fully real, so it does not strongly support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body part so the reader can follow your line more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking is good, but a few sentences feel too long and heavy. Break them into shorter parts for easier flow.
coherence and cohesion
Make sure each sentence in a paragraph stays close to one main point. A few ideas now feel repeated or slightly off track.
task response
You answer the question and clearly show your opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear overall shape with introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words like 'Initially', 'On the other hand', and 'In conclusion' to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Job satisfaction
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Stress
  • Depression
  • Financial instability
  • Quality of life
  • Job dissatisfaction
  • Career goals
  • Skills and experiences
  • Networking opportunities
  • Social isolation
  • Productivity
What to do next:
Look at other essays: