IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Get started →
Many people argue that educational
institution
Check wording
institutions
show examples
 should remove non-academic skills
such
Linking Words
 as physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
cookery
Use synonyms
 from courses
due to
Linking Words
 today's academic
pressure
Use synonyms
 among learners. I completely disagree because these activities improve health, increase productivity and develop communication. Many ideas suggest that these minor subjects can be important even under academic
pressure
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, physical
education
Use synonyms
 improves
overall
Linking Words
 well-being.
In other words
Linking Words
, regularly exercising reduces the risk of obesity and many chronic diseases. In additon it can
also
Linking Words
reduces
Wrong verb form
reduce
show examples
 stress and boosts mental-health.
For example
Linking Words
, most people that work-out are in good shape.
Consequently
Linking Words
, it can allow learners to complete their daily activities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, physical
education
Use synonyms
 improves communication and teaches important discipline. It means that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 physical training
learn
Correct subject-verb agreement
teaches
show examples
 students
responsiblity
Correct your spelling
responsibility
, commitments and time management.
Hence
Linking Words
, it can be useful for their future careers.
For instance
Linking Words
, teamsports helps people communicate effectively under
pressure
Use synonyms
Finally
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can improve their
prodcutivity
Correct your spelling
productivity
 and
promotes
Correct subject-verb agreement
promote
show examples
 independence.
Cookery
Use synonyms
 helps
student
Check wording
students
show examples
 become less dependent
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
 fast food. The more they regularly improve their skills in that subject, the more their
increase
Verb problem
apply
show examples
knowledge.
Consequently
Linking Words
, they have more qualifications and their chances of finding good jobs
raise
Verb problem
increase
show examples
.To illustrate, most restaurants and part-time jobs
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 students
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have experience and knowledge in
cookery
Use synonyms
 over applicants
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 have qualifications in only school
subject
Check wording
subjects
show examples
.
To sum up
Linking Words
, I firmly believe that minor subjects
such
Linking Words
 as physical
education
Use synonyms
 and
cookery
Use synonyms
 should stay in educational institution programs despite academic
pressure
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 is because these non- academic subjects ensure a bright future, increase work opportunities, and improve health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer all parts in a more full way. Your view is clear, but some ideas need more detail.
task response
Use examples that are more clear and more direct. Some examples are too general.
coherence and cohesion
Make each main idea one clear point, then explain it step by step.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences jump too fast from one point to the next.
task response
Your position is clear from the start, and you keep it to the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main idea.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: