IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people say that all secondary and higher secondary school students should be taught how to manage money as it is an important skill. Do you agree or disagree with this argument?

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The recent high unemployment rate makes some people doubt the meaning of secondary
education
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 despite its high cost. I argue that pupils still need to receive secondary
education
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,
while
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 the
curriculum
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 could be changed in response to the development of AI and the rapidly advancing globalisation.
To begin
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 with, secondary
education
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 serves as a place to prepare students before working. To illustrate
this
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, adolescents aged around 15 are still immature, and they need to learn critical thinking skills, collaboration, and a broad range of knowledge through the schooling programs. Some research shows that individuals who completed secondary
education
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 have a lower crime rate than those who did not. Even though
this
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 finding may be explained by various factors,
this
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 stage can be expected to provide not only academic knowledge but
also
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 essential social skills.
Therefore
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, all things considered,
it is clear that
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 the system is essential for maintaining social stability.
However
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, the
curriculum
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 for secondary
education
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 should be improved to adapt to today's changing world.
Due to
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 advancing technology
such
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 as AI, the abilities and mindsets that should be improved for work have significantly transformed.
Moreover
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, future generations could be forced to live in a community where people from diverse cultural backgrounds are mixed by progressive immigration policies. Students should enhance abilities that can develop their own vision and strategies and put them into practice for a better society,
as well as
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 language proficiency, which helps young people pursue careers internationally if the economic situation and the employment rate deteriorate in their own country.
For
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this
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 reason, it is obvious that the
curriculum
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 can be redesigned depending on the demands of society. In conclusion, secondary
education
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 should remain to help students adapt to a changing world,
although
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 it is necessary to modernise the
curriculum
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. I believe that pupils gain more opportunities to not only learn academic knowledge but
also
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 interpersonal skills through secondary
education
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.

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task response
Answer the exact question. The topic is about teaching money skills, but your essay talks about the value of secondary education. This is the main problem.
task response
State your opinion on money management clearly in the introduction and keep this focus in all body paragraphs.
task response
Add points that directly support your view, such as budgeting, saving, spending, debt, and daily life decisions.
task response
Use one or two clear examples about students learning money skills at school.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear intro, body, and conclusion, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence cohesion
The first paragraph and second paragraph connect well with linking words like 'To begin with' and 'However'.
coherence cohesion
Some ideas inside paragraphs are not fully linked to the question, so the whole essay feels off topic.
coherence cohesion
Try to make each body paragraph start with one main idea and then explain it with direct support.
coherence cohesion
You wrote a full essay with clear paragraphing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and easy to find.
coherence cohesion
You use several linking words to show order and contrast.
task response
Your language shows you can discuss education and society in a clear way.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • manage money
  • life skill
  • secondary school students
  • higher secondary students
  • budget
  • save money
  • spending plan
  • waste money
  • bank account
  • bank card
  • debt
  • interest
  • online shopping
  • compare prices
  • financial problems
  • real-life skill
  • practical subject
  • equal chance
  • money habits
  • future needs
  • cost of living
  • basic math skills
  • consumer knowledge
  • avoid scams
  • responsible spending
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