IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Study shows that many criminals have a low level education.For that reason, some people believe that the bast way to reduce crime is to educate people in prison, so that they can get a job when they leave prison. Do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, there are more and more tremendous crime rates in every country in the world. Most observations illustrate that the lower the education level is, the more criminal cases happen.
Consequently
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, some people believe that the ones, who are imprisoned, should be educated in there, in order to upgrade their mindset of being ready for the enrolment in the future jobs.
This
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 essay strongly agrees with it because there are some reasons to support it, which will be discussed in the following paragraphs.
Firstly
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, uneducated people tend to do bad things because they cannot make decisions for the right track of living in
this
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 competitive world.
For example
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, in Myanmar, which is the under developed country, there are lots of homeless young individuals, taking the wrong direction to earn money,
such
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 as burglary, robbery, and selling illegal drugs. They have not yet been taught any academic knowledge in their past , and they believe that it is a good habit of finding cash easily. If they are being arrested to stay behind bars, the authority should take into account the possible ways to educate them, so that they will not make the same mistakes again after they are released into the new environment.
Secondly
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, the criminals, who have learned a lot in prison, become more confident in joining the workplace after they come out.
For instance
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, the sessions for the vocational training have been organised in many national prisons,
such
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 as the vehicle repair workshops, air-conditioning service training, etc. After they are well-mannered in these programmes, they can be directly assigned to the appropriate jobs. It is certain that they will not admit the crime cases again because of their well-trained ability.
To conclude
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, well-educated criminals can determine to abandon dangerous criminal commitments, and
this
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 can only be achieved by developing the education system
while
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 they are spending time in prison.
Therefore
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, I personally agree that the more coaching courses are introduced in prisons, the more criminal frequencies will diminish. I would like to recommend that the authorities take care of the lives of criminals who want to live in equality.

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task response
Score: 5. Your answer is on the topic and your view is clear. But some ideas are too general or not fully true. For example, not all people with low education do bad things, and prison education alone may not stop crime.
task response
Explain why education leads to work and why work can lower crime. You can say that skills give ex-prisoners a legal way to make money and a reason not to go back to crime.
task response
Make your examples more careful. Instead of saying people in one country believe crime is a good habit, say that some people may feel they have few legal ways to earn money.
task response
The last sentence gives a new idea about equality. It is not developed, so remove it or explain it in the main body.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. The order is easy to follow, but some links between ideas are weak. Each body paragraph needs one clear main idea, then an explanation, then an example, and then a link back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Use fewer linking words when they do not add meaning. For example, “Consequently” and “Therefore” are used well only when the next idea is a clear result.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Break them into two shorter sentences. This will make your meaning clearer.
coherence and cohesion
In the end, repeat your main view and your two reasons in simple words. Do not add a new recommendation unless the question asks for it.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree. You also give two main reasons: education can stop crime and help people get work.
task response
You use examples, such as young people in Myanmar and work training in prison. These help show your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: start, first main point, second main point, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Words like “Firstly”, “Secondly”, “For example”, and “To conclude” help the reader follow the essay.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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