IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some believe longer prison sentences reduce crime best. Others believe alternative methods work better. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
There is an ongoing debate regarding
crime
Use synonyms
 rates in
this
Linking Words
 growing world. A group of people believe that longer
prison
Use synonyms
 is the best option to reduce
crime
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others claim that there are different
punishment
Fix the agreement mistake
punishments
show examples
instead
Linking Words
 of the former opinion.
Therefore
Linking Words
, ahead of my opinion, both views will be
discuss
Wrong verb form
discussed
show examples
further
Linking Words
 in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 paragraphs.
Examin
Correct your spelling
Examine
 the former notion, the primary argument the supporters put forward is less
crime
Use synonyms
 activity on the streets. As criminals sentence for longer
time
Check wording
terms
show examples
 in jail that impact on less bad individuals on
street
Correct article usage
the street
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, they
also
Linking Words
 believe that because of
fear
Correct article usage
the fear
show examples
 factor of extended
prison
Use synonyms
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 many will stop
crime
Use synonyms
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
. The reason behind it is they criminals have to
spent their
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 half of
life
Fix the agreement mistake
their lives
show examples
 in
prison
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 life over there is worse that normal
one
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, in many
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 it has
seen
Verb problem
been seen
show examples
 that
those
Correct word choice
where those
show examples
 have above mention
punishment
Punctuation problem
punishment,
show examples
 the
crime
Use synonyms
 ratio is less
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 citizen freely lived independant life. On the
contray
Correct your spelling
contrary
, those in favour of the latter opinion
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have their own argument.
To begin
Linking Words
with
Add a comma
with,
show examples
 they claim that there are alternative ways to reduce crimes.
One
Use synonyms
 of them was
increase
Verb problem
to increase
show examples
 the watch area and time by police officers. The reason is
because of
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 the
patroling
Correct your spelling
patrol
 cars of police in more criminal area reduce and make them stop doing
any
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
such
Linking Words
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are rehab
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 where criminals
give
Wrong verb form
are given
show examples
one
Use synonyms
 more chance to become better
person
Check wording
people
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is
due to
Linking Words
 a change in personality
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
their sins
Check wording
apply
show examples
they have
one
Use synonyms
 more chance.
For example
Linking Words
, in countries
likes
Change preposition
like
show examples
 Japan, china and many
more
Punctuation problem
more,
show examples
 they introduce rehab
centers and
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
shown
Verb problem
have shown
show examples
result
Change the verb form
results
show examples
 in decrement in
crime
Use synonyms
 rate.
To conclude
Linking Words
 and put my position, there are convincing arguments both for and against longer
prison
Use synonyms
 and alternative punishments.
However
Linking Words
, I certainly favour the different punishment side, because they should give
one
Use synonyms
 chance to improve
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 patrolling
cars of policeman
Change preposition
by police
show examples
 can reduce criminal
activites
Correct your spelling
activities
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Estimated score: 5. Your answer is on the topic, but some ideas need more detail. Explain more clearly why a long prison stay may stop crime, and why rehab may work better for some people.
task response
Be more exact with your examples. Instead of saying many countries have less crime, give one clear example and explain how it shows your point.
task response
Your opinion is clear in the end, but state it in the first paragraph too. For example: “I believe other ways, with prison for very bad crimes, work best.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, write about long prison only. In the next one, write about other ways only.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example, after the point about fear, add: “This may stop some people before they break the law.”
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Use short sentences with a clear subject and verb. For example: “Longer prison terms keep criminals away from the public.”
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea about police cars. Say the point once, then explain it: “More police patrols can stop crime because criminals may fear being caught.”
task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. Your view is clear: you support other ways, not only longer prison.
task response
You give some useful ideas, such as police cars and rehab centres.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part shape: start, first view, second view, and end.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “However”, “In addition”, “Moreover”, “For example”, and “To conclude”.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: