IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, too much money was spent by government and individuals on national celebration such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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Many traditional
events
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 and celebrations have been respected by nationals for a long time in each country, incuring a great amount of money. I definitely agree with these initiatives, as maintaining traditions is essential for forming national identities and keeping local communities,
while
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 the way of expenditure should be transparent for citizens.
To begin
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 with, cultural
events
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 for nationals require a lot of capital, basically paid
from
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for by
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 investors and even our taxes.
This
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 means how to spend money should be clearly published for
people
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 , including taxpayers, as it is easily hidden by organisations, resulting in
splashing
Correct article usage
the splashing
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 out
financial
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of financial
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 resources.
However
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, despite
this
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 attention, traditional initiatives should be protected and continued by all nationals , including individuals, private organizations and governments. Describing the national holiday in Japan, there is a habit that the national flag is decorated in front of the door at each house
.
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during the national holiday.
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In
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During
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 the New Year's holiday,
people
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 go to shrines or temples in order to wish well-being for families and relatives. These cultures significantly contribute to forming national identities, encouraging
people
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 to have motivations to keep traditional culture and responsibilities as members of the country.
In addition
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, local
events
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 contribute to maintaining communities in the area. Over the past few decades, the issue that the connection of neighbourhoods becomes weaker has emerged
due to
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 a decline in population and the preference for protecting a safe environment. Holding local
events
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such
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 as festivals can be an important trigger to communicate with neighbours and make communities, which allows
people
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 to help each other at emergency.
For
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this
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 reason, residents should understand the importance of celebration and be allowed to spend national or local budgets. In summary, I argue that spending money
for
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on
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 national
celebration
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celebrations
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 is essential to keep the national identity and the culture,
as well as
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 the resident community, even though the expenditure details should be transparent in public.

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task response
Score: 6. You answer the question and state your view. However, the question asks if TOO MUCH money is spent. Your essay mostly says that spending is good, but it does not fully discuss what “too much” means or when spending becomes too high.
task response
Make your position more exact. For example: “I disagree that most spending is too much, but governments should set a limit and show how public money is used.” This directly answers both parts of the question.
task response
Your first body paragraph is mainly about showing spending plans to the public. This is useful, but it needs a clearer link to the main question. Explain that open plans can stop waste and help decide if the amount is too high.
task response
Develop each main point with one clear chain: point, reason, example, result. For example, festivals bring people together; people meet their neighbors; then they are more likely to help each other in hard times.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. The order is mostly clear, but the second paragraph begins with “However” even though it does not strongly oppose the paragraph before it. Use “At the same time” or “Also” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Paragraph 2 should focus only on public money and waste. Paragraph 3 should focus only on national identity. Paragraph 4 should focus only on local community life.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or unclear, so the link between ideas is weak. Use shorter sentences. For example: “Public money should be spent with care. Governments should share full plans with taxpayers. This can stop waste.”
coherence and cohesion
Use clear words to show cause and result: “because”, “so”, “therefore”, and “as a result”. Do not use too many linking words if the meaning is not clear.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree that money should be spent on national and local events.
task response
Your main points are relevant: national identity, culture, and local community life.
task response
The Japan example makes your ideas more real and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “To begin with”, “However”, “In addition”, and “In summary” help the reader follow your points.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive spending
  • allocate resources
  • pressing needs
  • temporary pleasure
  • cultural heritage
  • fostering community
  • national pride
  • boost the economy
  • promoting tourism
  • social cohesion
  • investment in cultural preservation
  • budgeting and planning
  • moderation and strategic planning
  • cost-effective
  • vital areas
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