IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, too much money was spent by government and individuals on national celebration such as New Year and religious festivals. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

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Introduction
Many traditional
events
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 and celebrations have been valued by generations of
people
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 for a long time in each country, requiring substantial funding. **I strongly agree that governments should allocate public funds to
such
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events
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**, as maintaining traditions is essential for forming national identities and keeping local
communities
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,
while
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 the way of expenditure should be transparent for citizens.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, cultural
events
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 for nationals require a lot of capital, basically paid
from
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for by
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 investors and even our taxes. **
This
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 means that details of public spending should be made available to the public**, particularly ****taxpayers, as it is easily hidden by organisations, resulting in wasteful spending.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, despite
this
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 attention, traditional
events
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 should be preserved and continued by all nationals , including individuals, private organizations and governments.
For instance
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, in Japan, it is customary to
the national flag is decorated
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decorate the national flag
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 in front of the door at each house.
In
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During
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 the New Year's holiday,
people
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 go to shrines or temples in order to pray for the health and happiness of their families. These cultures significantly contribute to forming national identities, encouraging
people
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 to have motivation to keep traditional culture and a **stronger sense of belonging**
of
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to
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 the country.
Body paragraph 3
In addition
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, local
events
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 contribute to maintaining strong local
communities
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 in the area. Over the past few decades, social ties within neighbourhoods have weakened
****has
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. This has
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 emerged
due to
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 a decline in population and the preference for protecting a safe environment. Holding local
events
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such
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 as festivals can be an important trigger to communicate with neighbours and build stronger
communities
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, which allows
people
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 to help one another in emergencies.
For
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this
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 reason, residents should understand the importance of celebration and be allowed to spend national or local budgets.
Conclusion
In summary, I argue that spending money on national celebrations is essential to keep the national identity and the culture,
as well as
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 the
communities
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, even though the expenditure details should be transparent in public.

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Task response
Estimated score: 6. You answer the question and give a clear opinion. However, the question asks about too much spending by both governments and people. Explain more clearly what “too much” means and when spending becomes a problem.
Task response
Your first body paragraph is mostly about showing spending details to the public. This is useful, but it does not fully explain why large spending is right or wrong. Add a direct point about limits, for example: money for festivals should not take money away from schools, health care, or help for poor people.
Task response
You say that people should be allowed to spend national or local budgets. People do not spend public budgets themselves; governments do. Say: “governments should spend public money” or “local leaders should use local budgets.”
Task response
Develop the Japan example. Explain who pays, what the event does for the town, and why this use of money is worth it.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each paragraph. Paragraph 1 should be about careful public spending. Paragraph 2 can be about national identity. Paragraph 3 can be about local groups.
Coherence and cohesion
Some ideas are not easy to follow because the sentences are not clear. For example, “social ties within neighbourhoods have weakened has emerged” should be changed to “social ties in local areas have weakened.”
Coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body paragraph state the main point clearly. Then give an example and explain the result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “traditional events”, “celebration”, and “culture” too often. You can also use “festivals”, “public events”, and “local customs.”
Task response
Your main view is clear: you agree that public money should support celebrations.
Task response
You give two main reasons: national identity and stronger local groups.
Task response
The Japan example is relevant and helps show how traditions can bring people together.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main body paragraphs, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as “To begin with”, “However”, “In addition”, and “In summary” help the reader follow your ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • excessive spending
  • allocate resources
  • pressing needs
  • temporary pleasure
  • cultural heritage
  • fostering community
  • national pride
  • boost the economy
  • promoting tourism
  • social cohesion
  • investment in cultural preservation
  • budgeting and planning
  • moderation and strategic planning
  • cost-effective
  • vital areas
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