IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollutions and housing problems. To what extent do you agree to disagree with this statement?

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It is increasingly argued that household issues are a major cause of sickness. Some critics believe that public authorities should be focusing on the mitigation of environmental pollution and home problems to avoid illnesses and diseases. From my perspective, I firmly agree with the given statement.
Initially
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, environmental pollutants
such
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 as smoke in factories and excessive burning of fossil fuels affect our breathing drastically.
This
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 is largely because Oxygen is mixed up with poisons and pollutants,
hence
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 diseases occur.
In addition
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, ministries of health globally will have a huge financial burden because the number of patients will rise
due to
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 the spread of illnesses across the world.
For instance
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, a recent study from Oxford University revealed that expenditure on cures has increased 35 per cent in the European Union
as a result
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 of environmental pollution and housing problems.
Furthermore
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, prevention is better than a cure. Which effectively means if legal action is taken strictly towards factories and oil companies to minimise the consumption of non-renewable energy as much as possible, huge finances will be preserved in the long-term.
Moreover
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, governments should
also
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 spread awareness about the consequences of non-renewable energy and provide incentives for those utilising electric vehicles and public transport. A clear example of
this
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 can be seen in Ireland, where the government gives 2000 euros to whoever purchases an electric car. In conclusion, despite individuals holding different points of view. I believe it is essential for governments to focus on decreasing climate pollution and household challenges as much as possible in order to reduce illnesses and diseases.

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task response
Score: 6. Your answer is on topic, but it is not fully complete. The question asks about both pollution and housing problems. You explain pollution well, but you do not really explain housing problems. Add a full idea about poor homes, for example damp, cold, dirty water, or too many people in one home. Explain how these can lead to illness.
task response
Make your main idea more exact. Instead of saying “household issues”, say “housing problems”, because this is the wording in the question.
task response
Your point about oxygen being mixed with poison is too simple and not fully right. Say that air pollution can harm the lungs and make breathing problems worse.
task response
The Oxford study sounds useful, but it needs more support. If you use a number, explain what it shows and how it supports your view. You can also use a simple general example if you are not sure about the fact.
coherence and cohesion
Score: 6. Your order is clear, but some links are not smooth. For example, “Furthermore, prevention is better than a cure. Which effectively means...” is not a full sentence. Write: “Furthermore, prevention is better than cure. This means that...”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each body part focused on one main idea. Body 1 can be about pollution. Body 2 should be about housing problems. At present, body 2 goes back to pollution and energy, so the essay feels less balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear topic sentences. For example: “First, governments should cut air pollution because it causes many breathing problems.” Then: “Second, they should improve poor housing because damp and overcrowded homes can spread disease.”
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your view well, but “despite individuals holding different points of view” is not needed. End in a direct way: “Therefore, I agree that governments should deal with both pollution and poor housing to prevent disease.”
task response
You give a clear opinion: you agree. You also give two main reasons: dirty air can cause illness, and prevention can save money.
task response
Your examples about Europe and Ireland are linked to your main ideas.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two body parts, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear linking words, such as “Initially”, “Furthermore”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion”.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Environmental pollution
  • Respiratory diseases
  • Water pollution
  • Cholera
  • Dysentery
  • Regulations
  • Public health
  • Air quality
  • Affordable housing projects
  • Housing standards
  • Overcrowding
  • Mental health disorders
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Holistic approach
  • Well-being
  • Preventative measures
  • Healthcare services
  • Vaccination
  • Awareness campaigns
  • Integrated approach
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